Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

Dumb Men Jokes Volume 3

How do you get a man to do situps?
Glue the TV remote between his ankles…

What kind of clothes are there?
Women: clean & dirty
Men: Clean, almost clean, sorta clean, not bad, dirty, really dirty, nasty, biohazard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes.)

Why do Black Widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about was legs, breasts and thighs…

How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk…

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting they are finished until next time…

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, anniversaries, and clitorises?
They miss them all.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What’s the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or not?” shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep from grazing.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends!

Did you hear the one about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?
It’s sex with someone they love.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs don’t you?

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

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I Think My Nails Are Dry Now

A man walks into a public men’s room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, “Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?”

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man’s pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants. “Oh, I can take care of that.” the first man says, blowing on his fingers. “I think my nails are dry now.”

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If Men Were Pregnant

If Men were Pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years … with full pay

There would be a cure for stretch marks

Natural childbirth would become obsolete

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

Men would be eager to talk about commitment

They wouldn’t think twins were so cute

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

Women would rule the world

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If Men Could Menstruate

If Men Could Menstruate

Male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis-envy is “natural” to women – though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men more vulnerable, and the power to give birth makes womb-envy at least logical.

In short, the characteristics of the powerful, whatever they may be, are thought to be better than the characteristics of the powerless – and logic has nothing to do with it. What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not? The answer is clear – menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event:

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.

Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali’s Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields – “For Those Light Bachelor Days,” and Robert “Baretta” Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation (“MENstruation”) as proof that only men could serve in the army (“You have to give blood to take blood”), occupy political office (“Can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?”), be priests and ministers (“how could a woman give her blood for our sins”), or rabbis (“Without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean”).

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month (“You MUST give blood for the revolution”), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag (“I’m a three-pad man”) or answer praise from a buddy (“Man, you are lookin’ good”) by giving fives and saying, “Yeah, man, I’m on the rag!”

TV shows would treat the subject at length. (“Happy Days”: Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still “The Fonz,” though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in “Blood Brothers”!) Men would convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at “that time of the month.”

Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself – though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets – and thus for measuring anything at all?

In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

Liberal males in every field would be kind: the fact that “these people” have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, should be punishment enough.

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How to Talk About Men & Still be Politically Correct

How to Talk About Men & Still be Politically Correct

He does not have a BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER – He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK – He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE – He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES – He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

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How To Ask A Man To Do Something

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.
3b. Then … give him a Blow Job

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.

6. Use would you or will you instead of you’d better or do as I say and no one will get hurt.

7. When all else fails … Blow Job.

OK, seven rules.

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All These Years Ive Been Wringing It

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

“Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Martin said.

“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.

“Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.

“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.

“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

“What did you do that for?” Martin said.

“Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”

“Cripes,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”

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Nice Pattern

The blind date hadn’t been all that great and she was happy the night was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said, “Hey! You wanna see my underwear?”

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn’t wearing any.

She glanced down and said, “Nice pattern. But does it also come in men’s sizes?”

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Because Im a Guy

Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?

Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

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Counting Your Ribs

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

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