Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Top 14 TopFive.com Happy Hour Rules

    14. Management reserves the right to beat senseless anyone suggesting we get a karaoke machine.

    13. No stirring someone else’s drink with your buffalo wing bones.

    12. True happiness only. Satisfaction, beatitude, and gruntlement are not acceptable.

    11. Friday drink special: $2 “Sex Out Of Reach” shots.

    10. Make sure your Secret Service henchmen hide your empties from Laura.

    9. Anyone who’s not happy will be beaten with pool cues until they become happy.

    8. When falling off your chair, do not block aisles to the jukebox or restroom.

    7. We welcome our NRA and Girl Scout drinking buddies!

    6. Strict five-drink limit means somewhere around twelve to fifteen drinks.

    5. Absolutely no Sally Struthers.

    4. Good bar trick: Tying a knot in a cherry stem using only your tongue.
    Bad bar trick: Unzipping your pants using only your tongue.

    3. Designated drivers drink free all night!

    2. Calculating the value of pi on your cocktail napkin beyond thirty-two decimal places won’t leave room to write the phone number of the girl you’re trying to impre— Hey! Where’d she go?

    1. Confusing, hard-to-read signs on the restroom doors to be replaced with schematics of appropriate genitalia.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2001 by Chris White

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  • Port Makes Me Fart

    A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well-groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

    He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.

    “On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

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  • Got a Dog Named Chunks

    A guy comes into work one morning and tells his buddy, “Boy, I feel like shit today.”

    Buddy says, “What’s wrong?”

    Guy says, “Got drunk last night, went home and blew chunks.”

    Buddy says, “Nothing wrong with that.”

    Guy says, “Yes there is… Got a dog named Chunks.”

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  • I’m Going Home to Screw the Cat

    Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.

    The second mouse slams a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those D-Con tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.” And with that he slams another shot.

    The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.

    The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the heck are you going?”

    The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to screw the cat.”

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  • Alcohol Warnings

    The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

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  • Holiday Drink Warning

    The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding down a pint or two.

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at a hundred yards.

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

    8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

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  • You Left Without Your Wheelchair Again

    David is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o’clock, last round is called, and although he knows he shouldn’t, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste just too good.

    After the final beer, he slides from his stool and immediately drops on the floor. This was not what he had expected. He knew he had some, but… He tries to get up but again he falls. After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home.

    At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly inside to his bed and slips under the covers without awakening his wife.

    The next morning his wife asks him furiously, “Were you drunk again last night?”

    David is surprised and asks her how she knew.

    “They just called from the bar. You left without your wheelchair again.”

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  • Breakfast

    The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

    “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning.”

    “There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

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  • You’re Sitting on the Mop Bucket

    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

    “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

    “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

    With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

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  • New Government Warnings

    As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention that a few additional warnings may be appropriate.

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

    9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

    And instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant, the new guidelines should read…

    10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

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