“The way I see it, necrophilia is safe sex….”
Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Bud Bowl
I kind of miss the “Bud Bowl” — not because I watched it so much as because I enjoyed hearing my stoner roommates snicker in between handfuls of Funyuns every time the phrase was uttered on TV.
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No Smoking Bad Sex
NO SMOKING
“I’ve got to give you credit. How you can squeeze that much bad sex into 2 minutes, is beyond me.”
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You’re Not Sterile
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“All right, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
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Eat the Sauce
I wonder if the French word for “eat” is “app,” ’cause then the word “applesauce” would be “eat-the-sauce” in France, and I bet those dirty French would hate that.
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Glitch in the Matrix
The stunning advances in technology witnessed over the last few years make me believe that anything is possible, however unfathomable. Nonetheless, I wasn’t able to convince my girlfriend that her seeing me in bed with another woman was simply a glitch in the Matrix.
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Toxic Waste Pipeline Through a Recreational Area
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It had to be a mechanical engineer — look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it had to be an electrical engineer. The nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections.”
The third said, “Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?”
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What the Engineer Says (What It Really Means)
A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)Major technological breakthrough.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)We’ll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)Please read and initial.
(Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)Give us your interpretation.
(I can’t wait to hear this!)See me or Let’s Discuss.
(Come into my office, I’m lonely.)All new!
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)Rugged
(Too heavy to lift!)Lightweight
(Lighter than rugged.)Years of development
(One finally worked.)Energy saving
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)Low maintenance
(Impossible to fix if broken.) -
I’ll Show You How
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”
