Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Top 16 Little-Known Ways Beer Has Shaped History

    16. Benjamin Franklin was actually higher than his kite when he discovered electricity.

    15. September 6, 1945, New Haven, CT: A drunken future president utters the phrase, “Don’t worry, Barbara, I’ll pull out.”

    13. Patrick Henry, a pitchman for Liberty Ale, comes up with the first ubiquitous beer-promotion catchphrase.

    12. “Look, Tom, we’ll keep the ‘endowed by their Creator’ part as is, but that ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of beer’ part needs work.”

    11. It prevented the extinction of ugly people.

    10. Babylon, 552 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar II combines hanging gardens with fermented beverages to create the world’s first Dave & Buster’s.

    9. The invention of beer led directly to the invention of Slim Jims and microwave burritos.

    8. March 22, 1967: In Santa Monica, CA, Dave Barham drank two six-packs of beer, saw a rainbow, and envisioned a brand-new uniform for his “Hot Dog On A Stick” employees.

    7. How else was Joseph gonna believe that “but I’m still a virgin” story?

    6. Bartholomew: “Aww, BOGUS! I totally left the Master’s Holy Grail at that kegger back in Ephesus! Man, seven grails of ale and I forget everything!”
    Luke: “Don’t sweat it, Dude. The Grail’ll turn up.”

    5. There’s a well-kept secret about the crew of the Hindenburg and their drunken fart-lighting contests.

    4. Fifteenth-century Scotland: Golf was invented after some pub friends bet each other how far their testicles would travel when hit by a broomstick.

    3. “Hey, Adolph, I hear Poland has good beer.”

    2. July 1880: At a neighborhood barbecue at the McCoys, Lyle Hatfield suggests that Miller Lite is “less filling.”

    1. If the Dutch hadn’t brought that pre-dealmaking keg of Heineken to Manhattan, those twenty-four dollars’ worth of beads wouldn’t have looked so appealing.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • Band-Aids on the Mirror

    A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

    That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

    Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. “Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”

    “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

    “A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”

    “What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

    “Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”

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  • Drinker’s Fault Finding Guide

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Room is spinning.
    Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
    Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while, complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
    Fault: Drooling on yourself.
    Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

    Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
    Fault: You’re at a circus.
    Solution: Go to a bar.

    Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    Fault: The pub is closing.
    Solution: PANIC!!

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  • Are You Sure This Is Where He Fell In

    A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stands next to the preacher.

    The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

    The drunk replies, “Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!”

    The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” he asked.

    “Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!” says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

    “Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!” the drunk slurs again.

    Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least thirty seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My good man, have you found Jesus YET?”

    The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

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  • So How Many Does It Take

    Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a “good time.”

    “Look,” says the woman, “what do you think I am? I don’t turn into a slut after three drinks, you know!”

    “OK,” replies Joe, “so how many does it take?”

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  • Maybe Later

    An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge of the hotel and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”

    “What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.

    “Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”

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  • Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Job interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

    Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!

    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    Every person you see has an exact twin.

    You fall off the floor.

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — to heck with dinner!

    The glass keeps missing your mouth.

    Bill Clinton starts to make sense….

    Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. (*No pun intended.)

    At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is … uh …”

    Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.

    “Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”

    Roseanne looks good.

    Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

    Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

    You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

    You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

    “BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”

    The shrubbery’s drunk too — from frequent watering.

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  • We’re on the Patch

    Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror — the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”

    The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”

    They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”

    “Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.

    “I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

    “Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

    “Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “what on earth are those things on your forehead?”

    “That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the Patch!”

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  • Dear Alcohol

    Dear Alcohol,

    I thought I’d take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.

    First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours… your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I’ll touch upon shortly.)

    Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed — the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the gang… and you’re even around in the holidays — hidden inside chocolates, you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

    Yet lately, I’ve been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:

    1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 a.m.

    2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my speciality, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see no need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should not take me more than thirty seconds to get the key into the front door lock.

    4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.

    5. Beer goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if, in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old “Hey, you’re in my class” syndrome circa 1986 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase “Let’s shag.” While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

    Further, the subsequent hangovers have got to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings’ debauchery may be in order, but the 2 p.m. Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now… it’s only fair — you do your part, I’ll do mine.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don’t know what to do with the extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday at 6 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions, and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.

    Sincerely, your biggest fan.

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  • Taco Bell’s Colon Cleanse

    I wonder if the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse know about Taco Bell’s $4.99 deal.