Half of all boxing photos look like gay weddings
Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Three Mothers Boasting
Three mothers are boasting about what their babies will be when they grow up.
The first says, “Mine will be a doctor. Look how closely he examines his fingers!”
The second says, “Mine will be an engineer. Look how closely he examines his rattle!”
The third says, “Mine will be President. He’s just shit himself!”
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Chili at the West Texas Cafe
A young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sat down at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili.
After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked, “If you ain’t goin’ to eat that, do ya mind if I do?”
The older cowboy slowly turned his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner said, “Nah. Go ahead.”
Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl over to his place and started spooning it in with delight. He got nearly down to the bottom before noticing a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too…”
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When you die and Jesus shows you a list of all the memes you’ve liked
When you die and Jesus shows you a list of all the memes you’ve liked
(chuckles) I’m in danger
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A Blind Man Walks Into a Store
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. Once inside, he suddenly picks up the dog by its leash and begins swinging it around in circles over his head.
The panicked store manager runs up and asks, “Sir, sir! Can I help you?”
The man replies, “No thank you. Just looking around.”
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Shingles Delivery
Kevin walked into a doctor’s office, and the receptionist asked, “What do you have?”
“Shingles,” Kevin replied.
She took down his name, address, insurance information, and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later, a nurse’s aide came out and asked, “What do you have?”
“Shingles.”
She recorded his height, weight, and medical history, then told him to wait in the examining room.
Half an hour later, a nurse came in and asked, “What do you have?”
“Shingles.”
She took his blood pressure, drew some blood, performed an EKG, and told him to undress and wait for the doctor.
An hour later, the doctor came in, saw Kevin sitting there in the nude, and asked, “What do you have?”
“Shingles.”
The doctor looked confused. “Where?”
Kevin pointed outside and said, “On the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em?”
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Old Cowboy Gets a Clean Shave at the Barbershop
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he has trouble getting a clean shave because his cheeks are wrinkled with age.
The barber pulls a small wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and says, “Put this inside your cheek. It’ll stretch the skin and make it easier to shave.”
The cowboy does as he’s told, and the barber gives him the cleanest shave he’s had in years.
As he’s leaving, the cowboy asks, “What would happen if I accidentally swallowed that little ball?”
The barber thinks for a moment and says, “Just bring it back in a couple of days, like everyone else does.”
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Diner Returns to Expensive Paris Restaurant
One evening, an impeccably dressed older gentleman walked into a very expensive restaurant in Paris’s 6th arrondissement. He wore a tailored suit, a silk tie and highly polished black Gucci shoes.
The gentleman ordered champagne, foie gras, lobster and a vintage bottle of Bordeaux. For dessert, he selected the most expensive item on the menu and ordered a brandy.
When he had finished his meal, the waiter presented him with the bill.
The gentleman looked at the waiter and said, “I don’t know if you remember me, but many, many years ago, I was quite down on my luck. I came here for a meal and, when it came time to pay, I couldn’t.”
The waiter looked at him more closely.
“You publicly humiliated me,” the gentleman continued. “You had security march me through the restaurant and throw me out into the street.”
The waiter suddenly remembered the incident. His face turned bright red and he began apologizing profusely.
The gentleman held up his hand.
“Don’t worry, old chap,” he said. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to do it again.”
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As Close As I’m Allowed to Get
I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders. But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.
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Lawyer and Doctors on a Plane
A lawyer sits in the aisle seat on a plane next to two doctors and kicks off his shoes.
The doctor in the middle seat says, “You know what, I’d really like a coke.”
The lawyer says, “I’ll get it for you.” He gets up and while he’s gone, the middle doctor picks up one of the lawyer’s shoes and spits in it.
When the lawyer returns, the doctor in the window seat says, “You know what? I’d like a coke too.” The lawyer obliges and gets up, during which time the doctor in the window seat spits in the lawyer’s other shoe.
When the plane lands, the lawyer puts his shoes on, immediately realizes what happens, and says, “Why must this animosity continue between our professions? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”
