Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Two retired New York businessmen run into each other in Florida.
After the usual greetings, the second one asked the first guy, “What happened to your business?” The first guy answers, “Competition started eating into my profits. There was a fire that destroyed the business so I decided to take the insurance money and retire. What about your business?” The second guy says, “Similar to you but I had a flood destroy my business.” The first man asks, “How do you arrange a flood?”
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
“Can you give me some more details on this job?” he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the examination. There’s an annual salary of $75,000, but you’re going to have to go to Perth – other side of the country.”
The man says, “Oh, is that where the job is?”
The clerk says, “No sir. That’s where the end of the line is right now.”
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her coming to the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back so early?”
“I was stung by a bee,” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole,” she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your feet were too far apart.”
A woman goes to the dentist and asks, “How much to pull two wisdom teeth?”
The dentist says, “$100.”
She replies, “That’s too much. Can’t you do it for less?”
The dentist says, “I can do it for $50 if I skip the anesthetic.”
“Still too much,” she says. “Any cheaper?”
The dentist says, “I could let my trainee do it for $20, but she’s never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful.”
“Perfect,” the woman says. “Schedule my husband for next week.”
A dizzy blonde decided she wanted to be a police detective. She visited her local police station to apply for a job and approached the desk sergeant.
The officer decided to have some fun and asked her a few questions.
“First, what’s a silver dollar made of?”
She thought for a moment before answering, “Um… Silver?”
“Good. Now, what color is a New York taxi?”
“Erm… Yellow, I think?”
“Very good,” said the officer. “Now, a more difficult one – who killed John F. Kennedy?”
She scratched her head and thought for a minute before saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”
The officer said, “Go home, think about it some more, and come back tomorrow.”
That night, she called her friend, who asked if she got the job.
She said, “Not only did I get the job… I’m already working on a murder case.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line…
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it, and it comes out looking really good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it, and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”
Little Johnny got lost in the shopping mall…
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
The guard asked, “What’s his name?”
“Grandpa.”
The guard smiled, then asked, “What’s he like?”
The boy paused for a moment, then replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits!”
Little Johnny wanted a $200 bike, but his dad shut him down fast:
“Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage and I just got fired. No bike. Period.”
Two days later, Johnny is at the front door with a suitcase, looking like he’s moving to Mexico.
His dad asks, “Where the heck are you going?”
Johnny looks him dead in the eye and says:
“Look, I walked past your bedroom this morning. I heard you tell Mom you were ‘pulling out,’ and Mom said she was ‘coming too.’ Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m leaving now because I’ll be damned if I’m the only one left here to pay off that $80,000 mortgage!”
Not sure if a colonoscopy is the most painful medical procedure but it’s right up there!
