Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

(Lori Petterson) Happiness is finding a freshly cleaned gas

(Lori Petterson) Happiness is finding a freshly cleaned gas station restroom when you have to poo.
I always thought the lyrics were, “Love me tender, love me long,

I always thought the lyrics were, “Love me tender, love me long, take my legs apart.” It would be nice if someone had corrected me *before* I sang it at my sister’s wedding.
Don’t get me wrong, I love playing “Santa and His Helper” with

Don’t get me wrong, I love playing “Santa and His Helper” with my wife, especially when she licks the candy cane and empties out Santa’s sack. I just wish she weren’t so insistent about hanging Santa’s balls from the tree.
If I ever get cast for a reality show, I’m going to dub myself

If I ever get cast for a reality show, I’m going to dub myself “The Predicament,” because I bring that added element of suspenseful mischief. Plus, much like Snooki, it has a “dic” in it.
They say you never forget the name of your first love. Mine was

They say you never forget the name of your first love. Mine was Asshole O’Douchebag.
They say a dog’s sense of smell is thousands of times better

They say a dog’s sense of smell is thousands of times better than that of a human. If that’s the case, why do dogs have to get their nose so damn close when sniffing each others butts?
I thought I’d be successful with my specialty furniture

I thought I’d be successful with my specialty furniture business, but every time I call a prospective customer and ask if they want to see my stool samples, they just gasp and hang up.
Ladies, it’s important that you pay attention to the idioms you

Ladies, it’s important that you pay attention to the idioms you use when speaking to your man. There’s a subtle but crucial difference between telling him you’re planning to “blow him off” and “blow him.”
But in the end, it’s always my dick that somehow ends up

But in the end, it’s always my dick that somehow ends up grabbing my attention. (Jim Woodruff My new girlfriend is the sexiest woman in the world: big firm breasts, gorgeous eyes and lips, luscious curving hips, long and thick peni– hey, wait just a fucking minute! Oh, my god. I can’t believe this! She totally forgot to wish me a happy one-week anniversary!
There are no three words in the English language sexier or more

There are no three words in the English language sexier or more romantic than those three that every woman longs to hear a man say: “I’d hit that!”