Her: That thing is broken, it has stopped sucking.
Him: It must have gotten married.
Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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25 Toy Horses Stable
BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
KCCI NEWS 8
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This Thing Almost Killed My Grandma
This Thing Almost Killed My Grandma
Ok. First off, THIS THING IS HUGE!!! I didn’t realize it when ordering. But When every one left the house one day I decided to give it the old college try. The suction cup works well, I had it stuck to my bedroom door. Ok, so when trying to use this it was really big and awkward. I was trying to back against it slowly letting my butt hole adjust to the massive width. I had my I-Pod Listening to “Eye of the Tiger” trying to get pumped for the whole thing. Well I didn’t hear my grandmother come home early and apparently i was making some noise rocking back on this Mega-Dong mounted to the door, and singing along to The Theme Song to Rocky. Well my Grandma comes to investigate and jerks my door open, which snatched the toy out of my butt bringing my sphincter with it. My grandmother Freaks and Slams the Door which POWER DRIVES this thing Up my anus all the way to the base. I’m Screaming in pain, and My grandmother is yelling holding her chest. Next thing I know she collapses. So there I am with a Bleeding, Prolapsed Butt hole and my grandma on the floor. I’m in so much pain and am freaking out worrying that I’ve killed her. So I crawled over to her and pushed her life alert button to send the paramedics, one of which was a new guy and when I tried explaining the story he literally pissed on himself laughing. Anyway they popped an ammonia capsule and brought my grandmother back. She seems ok but we haven’t made eye contact for 2 weeks and my butt is a little worse for wear. And when I fart now, it sounds like a Peterbilt 379 releasing its air brakes
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The Top 15 Signs Your Pets Are Too Pampered
15. When you come home after a long day at the office, you’re expected to bark enthusiastically and jump all over Fido.
14. You’ve filled the little treasure chest at the bottom of the aquarium with real doubloons.
13. Chippy’s hamster wheel has a speedometer, odometer, and calorie burn calculator, and you provide a personal trainer, Gatorade, and a towel.
12. Buddy really likes fresh bones, and you weren’t really using that left femur anyway.
11. Good luck convincing the judge that you really hired that undercover-cop hooker for your dog to have a sexier leg to hump.
10. You’re spending thousands treating your ferret for pancreatic cancer while grandma rots away in a cheap nursing home.
9. The cost of your Viagra prescription is exceeded by the cost of your rabbit’s Viagra prescription.
8. Maid services have no problem cleaning litterboxes, but when it comes to licking Sir Purrsalot’s junk to spare him the indignity, suddenly they’re all so regal!
7. You have your tarantula waxed when it’s hot out.
6. Since Rover knows how to dance on her hind legs anyway, why waste money taking a girl to the prom?
5. Not only did Fluffy refuse to eat the non-Beluga caviar, her lawyer sued you for serving such vile swill.
4. Your parrot is the largest shareholder in Nabisco.
3. The folks at the animal shelter stopped letting you adopt five cats every week when they learned about your pet coyote.
2. You’ve already bought the tickets, now you just have to figure out how to get the tank into the premiere of “Finding Dory.”
1. You buy a chinchilla coat. For your chinchilla.
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Family of Four
I was assigned female at birth and identify as a woman, but according to the back of the Kraft mac and cheese box I’m a family of four
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Turn Over
So a girl is going to marry a Greek fellow. The night before the wedding, the girl’s dad takes her aside and says, “Honey, I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. If he ever asks you to turn over, you don’t have to.”
So they get married. Sure enough, about six months later, the Greek guy asks the girl to turn over.
“You know,” she says, “my dad told me I don’t have to turn over if I don’t want to.”
“Whatsa matter?” says the Greek guy. “Don’t you wanna have kids?”
