YOU KNOW YOU DRANK TOO MUCH
When you wake up beside Sarah Jessica Parker…
Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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A Very COVID Christmas
The Alex Nevil @TheAlexNevil
Looking forward to Hallmark’s holiday offering “A Very COVID Christmas,” when a big city lawyer and a country candle maker accidentally meet when they go to the wrong zoom meeting.
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One Hell of an Outdoorsman
A guy goes in for a physical; the doctor asks about his activity level. “What do you mean?” asks the guy.
The doctor says, “Well, for example, what did you do yesterday?”
The guy says, “Yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk, about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and in my eyes. I jumped three feet in the air when I almost stepped on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills and hacked my way through some tall grass. After that I was so exhausted and dehydrated, I drank eight beers.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor says, “Sounds like you are one hell of an outdoorsman!”
And the guy says, “Actually, I’m just a really shitty golfer.”
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Mothers Day Lowest Crime
Fin @gofinurself
My mom is a prosecutor and every year she brings up the fact that Mother’s Day is the day with the lowest crime. I think that says a lot about how many moms commit crimes throughout the year, but can’t today because they’re too busy being celebrated.
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The Potato in the Speedo
A guy is having trouble getting women’s attention at the beach. He tells the lifeguard:
“I’ve walked past every woman on this beach and none of them so much as glance my way. I’m even wearing my best Speedo to show off all the work I’ve put in at the gym. I don’t know what else to do.”
The lifeguard says, “Oh, that’s easy! Just put a potato in your Speedo and you’ll have all their eyes glued on you. Trust me.”
So the next day he does just that, and then goes to see the lifeguard:
“Hey man, so I did get a lot of looks, but not quite what I was expecting. They all looked completely disgusted and appalled, and not turned on at all.”
So the lifeguard looks down at his waist area:
“Okay, well, I guess I should have specified — you have to put the potato in the front of your Speedo.”
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It Must Have Gotten Married
Her: That thing is broken, it has stopped sucking.
Him: It must have gotten married.
