Sensitivity: Questionable

Questionable humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Office Profanity Code System Hilariously Revealed

    Interoffice Memo

    It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

    OLD PHRASE | NEW PHRASE

    No fucking way. | I’m not certain that’s feasible.

    You’ve got to be shitting me? | Really?

    Tell someone who gives a shit. | Perhaps you should check with:

    Ask me if I give a shit. | Of course I’m concerned.

    It’s not my fucking problem. | I wasn’t involved in that project.

    What the fuck? | Interesting behavior:

    Fuck it, it won’t work. | I’m not sure I can implement this.

    Why the fuck didn’t they tell me sooner? | I’ll try to reschedule that.

    When the fuck do you expect me to do this? | Perhaps I can work late?

    Who the fuck cares. | Are you sure it’s a problem?

    He’s got his head up his ass. | He’s not familiar with the problem.

    Eat shit. | You don’t say?

    Eat shit and die. | Excuse me?

    Eat shit and die motherfucker. | Excuse me, sir?

    What the fuck do they want from me? | They weren’t happy with it?

    Kiss my ass. | So, would you like my help with that?

    Fuck it, I’m on salary. | I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

    Shove it up your ass. | I don’t think you understand.

    This job sucks shit. | I love a challenge.

    Who the hell died and made you boss? | You want me to take care of this?

    Blow me. | I see.

    Blow yourself. | Do you see?

    Another fucking meeting? | Yes, we should discuss this.

    I don’t really give a shit. | I don’t think it will be a problem.

    He’s fucking retarded. | He’s confused.

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  • Taco City Beans

    Taco City Beans

    CAUTION: GAS LINE CALL BEFORE YOU DRILL

    TACO CITY

    BEANS

    8.

  • Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work

    While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

    1. It’s an incentive to show up.

    2. It reduces stress.

    3. It leads to more honest communications.

    4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

    5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers from the night before with another drink.

    6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

    7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

    8. It encourages carpooling.

    9. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.

    10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

    11. It makes fellow employees look better.

    12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

    13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

    14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

    15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

    16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas party.

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  • Priest Scandals

    I’m really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.

  • The Top 16 Signs the Call Center Employee You’re Dealing With Is Overseas

    16. Rather than reboot your PC to fix the problem, she suggests you sacrifice a chicken.

    15. John Smith… could you please spell that for me, sir?

    14. The hold music? Nothing but sitars, gongs, pan flutes and bagpipes.

    13. He tells you the problem with your Gateway computer is that you’re worshipping false bovine idols.

    12. The loud noises in the background are perfectly in synch with exploding bombs on live CNN war coverage.

    11. [Burrrp!] So sorry — my fermented yak milk is repeating on me today.

    10. Her first step toward solving your DVD player problem is instructing you to eject the disk.

    9. You accuse him of giving you the runaround. He corrects you, saying in his culture it’s known as the eightfold path.

    8. To sweeten the deal, he offers to throw in a couple of Russian orphans.

    7. “No, you stupid cow — I said CLOCKWISE! Great Buddha, you are dense!”

    6. “And while I have you on the phone, Mrs. Smith, may I tell you about my aunt, the widow of the deceased chief secretary to the deposed Prince Regent of Nigeria? You see, he’s living in exile and he has all of this money…”

    5. I’m sorry, Wing-Ma took the morning off for maternity leave. She’ll be back after lunch.

    4. Boy, what a commute this morning. My bus plunged off a mountainside — again!

    3. Hi, my name is Bob Deathtoamerica. How may I help you?

    2. Would you like to add the extended service agreement for an additional eighty wildebeest furs?

    1. I am sorry, but it is quite sunny here today, so I have no place to stick your overdraft notice.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2004 by Chris White

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  • You’d Be Smiling

    A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I can pee farther than anyone else.”

    “Yeah,” the bartender says.

    “Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from seventy-five feet away,” the guy says.

    “Yeah right,” the bartender says.

    “It’s true. In fact, I’ll bet you a hundred dollars that I can pee right into a beer bottle seventy-five feet away and not spill a drop,” the guy says.

    “Go ahead,” the bartender says, smiling at the chance to make some easy money.

    So a beer bottle is placed on the floor seventy-five feet away. Then the guy whips out his dick and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar, he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.

    The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender. The bartender then says to the guy, “Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?”

    Then the guy says, “Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but you’d be smiling.”

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  • Bar Room Translations

    1. “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

    2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end… drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

    3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

    4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (female) (I’m easy.)

    5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (male) (I’m gay.)

    6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

    7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)

    8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

    9. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male) (I’m horny.)

    10. “Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

    11. “Excuse me.” (male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)

    12. “Excuse me.” (male to female) (I am going to grope you now.)

    13. “Excuse me.” (female to male) (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

    14. “Excuse me.” (female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

    15. “What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)

    16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male) (I’m really gay.)

    17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female) (I’m really easy.)

    18. “That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)

    19. “Can I just get a glass of water?” (female) (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

    20. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (female) (I’m 19.)

    21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male) (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

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  • The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part I)

    15. Waiting Really, Really Long to Exhale

    14. Prescription: Impossible

    13. Being Robert Downey, Jr.

    12. Cheech and Chong’s “Saving Private Ryan”

    11. Bridget Jones’s Darvocet

    10. Good Pill Hunting

    9. Schindler’s Spliff

    8. Look Who’s Toking

    7. A Reefer Runs Through It

    6. From Busta to Nelly

    5. The Road to El Doritos

    4. Peyote Ugly

    3. Finding Primo

    2. Bender Like Belushi

    1. Tootski

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • Charge by the Inch

    Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it, babe? You and me?”

    As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

    She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

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  • Why a Beer Is Better Than Women

    1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

    2. A frigid beer is good.

    3. A beer doesn’t care when you come home.

    4. When a beer goes flat you can toss it.

    5. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

    6. A beer never gets a headache.

    7. If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.

    8. You can share a beer with a friend.

    9. You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.

    10. A beer is always wet.

    11. You can have a beer in public.

    12. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

    13. A beer doesn’t get pregnant.

    14. A beer doesn’t have parents.

    15. You can say whatever you want to a beer.

    16. A beer doesn’t care if you are late.

    17. And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.

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