Uncensored humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up.
Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
“You are a mess and I’m disgusted with you,” I said.
“I’m still the woman you love and married,” she said. “Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit.”
“We’re on our fuckin honeymoon,” I replied…
Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.
Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
Because they don’t have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
Guide to the Male Vocabulary
1. “Haven’t I seen you before?” “Nice ass.”
2. “I’m a Romantic.” “I’m poor.”
3. “I need you” “My hand is oh so tired.”
4. “I am different from all the other guys” “I am not circumcised.”
5. “I want a commitment.” “I’m sick of masturbation.”
6. “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about” “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”
7. “I really want to get to know you better.” “So I can tell my friends about it.”
8. “It’s just orange juice, try it.” “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”
9. “She’s kinda cute.” “I want to shag her till my dick drops off.”
10. “I don’t know if I like her” “She won’t let me shag her”
11. “I miss you so much” “I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good.”
12. “Was it good for you?” “I’m insecure about my manhood.”
13. “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” “Is my penis really that small?”
14. “I had a wonderful time last night.” “Who the hell are you?”
15. “Do you love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”
16. “Do you ‘really’ love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”
17. “How much do you love me?” “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on his way to tell you about it now.”
18. “I have something to tell you.” “Get tested.”
19. “I’ll give you a call.” “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”
20. “I’ve been thinking a lot.” “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”
21. “I think we should just be friends.” “You’re ugly.”
22. “I’ve learned a lot from you.” “Next!!!!”
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week.”
“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”
“I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking wood,” replied the little girl.
This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims “I can see his head!”
And sure enough, the baby peeks out. But then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in. After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in. A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees the father.
Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says, “How do you like that, mother fucker!??”
On his honeymoon, a redneck is about to make love when his wife asks, “Wait, honey, I have to tell you something. I’m a virgin.”
“WHAT THE HELL?” the man shouts and punches her in the face, knocking her to the ground.
He wraps her in a sheet, drags her up the stairs, and leads her out the door. He throws her in the back of his pickup truck and drives to her father’s house, where he throws her out in the yard.
Then the man drives to his father’s house, goes inside and hides.
The father sees his son and says, “What the hell are you doing here, boy? Shouldn’t you be with your new wife?”
“Well, Pa,” the son says, “I was, but she told me she’s still a virgin.”
“Oh, holy shit,” Dad says. “What did you do then?”
“I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her in a sheet, dragged her down the stairs, threw her out the door, threw her in the back of my pickup, then drove to her dad’s house and dumped her on the lawn.”
Dad starts laughing and, patting his son on the back, says, “Good job, son. If she’s not good enough for her family, then I say she’s not good enough for ours either.”
