There should be a designated person in the hospital who slaps you really hard and makes you rename your kid if you choose a name that will get his ass kicked in school. Los Angeles hospitals will need a few dozen of these people.
Meh Thoughts
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Until my sister clarified that those were only ultrasound photos, I was convinced she’d
Until my sister clarified that those were only ultrasound photos, I was convinced she’d had an affair with a skeleton.
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Size Matters: Love, Laughter, and Wardrobe Woes
You know how your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits your wife’s clothes. -
He Takes Things Personally
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
He takes things personally!
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My frog impression
I’ll never forget what my granddad said to me before he croaked.
He said, “Hey kid, wanna hear my frog impression?” -
“You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.” Then why the hell would you want a damn cake in the first place?
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Women are so fickle.
Women are so fickle. My wife she told me that we should live every day like it’s our last, then she complains about how I spend every day smoking crack and banging her sister.
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This year, my resolution is for my neighbor to lose 30 pounds.
This year, my resolution is for my neighbor to lose 30 pounds. That way, come next January, *he’s* the slob with no willpower.
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Those bastards at the dating service rejected my application because the three
Those bastards at the dating service rejected my application because the three adjectives I chose to describe myself were “intense,” “trigger-happy” and “loner.” Oh, wait… silly me: “Loner” is a noun! Well, *that* explains it.
