With my luck, if I ever did catch lightning in a bottle, with my luck, the Guatemalan sweatshop where I mass produced it would forget to put “Not for children under 12” on the label and I’d have a massive recall on my hands.
Meh Thoughts
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I can’t catch a break.
I can’t catch a break. Last year I won a million dollars in the lottery and got so excited I went through two million dollars worth of Depends.
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Say what you will of the Nazis
Say what you will of the Nazis, but they did manage to do a lot of scientific research without harming any animals.
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The Computer
Do you know why people call me “The Computer”?
I fall asleep if left unattended for 5 minutes.
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Be a Pet Fish
I think it would be great to be a pet fish, except for that part where they taste their floating poop to see if it’s food.
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Couldn’t see himself wearing them
Why did the short-sighted vampire refuse to get glasses?
He just couldn’t see himself wearing them. -
Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti
I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. And then no hands. And then no head. And then I ate his tasty liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
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If Hansel and Gretel had left a trail of farts instead of breadcrumbs, it would have
If Hansel and Gretel had left a trail of farts instead of breadcrumbs, it would have been just as effective and might have put the witch off eating them.
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A meth head actor
What do you call an actor who’s addicted to meth?
A meth-head actor.
