Tone: absurd

15. They promise that 100% of their graduates will be ‘sertified sheffs.’

14. ‘Today’s pastry is called Bronuts, and you will need some assistance from a male student.’

13. There’s a Department of Drive-Thru Studies.

12. Every session ends the same: ‘Defrost and microwave to taste.’

11. Week 1: Heimlich maneuver.

10. There’s an angry British man swearing a lot, but mostly about immigrants.

9. ‘Welcome to: Sculpting with Spam: The Forgotten Dessert Meat.’

8. All the donuts in the cafeteria have corners.

7. ‘Note how my blood matches the color of the tomato, so there’s no need to clean it up.’

6. The chef blindfolds you and tells you to kneel before tasting the sausage.

5. You could have sworn the teacher said this was his ‘private masterbasting class.’

4. Your instructor suggests the best way to improve the tastiness of food is to smoke a joint ahead of time.

3. Exotic Sauces 101 no longer draws much interest due to the whole ‘sautéing with snot’ thing.

2. ‘I’d like to introduce our special lecturer on knife skills, professional mohel Rabbi Cohen.’

And the number one sign you’ve chosen a bad culinary school…

1. The box their Kobe beef came in has an NBA logo.