I used to date a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.
It was easy.
Jill painted her nails purple and Bob has a pecker.
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Weekly Overload Recreational Killer
A highly dangerous virus called “Weekly Overload Recreational Killer” (WORK) is currently going around.
If you come into contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest “Biological Anxiety Relief” (BAR) center to take the antidotes known as “Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract” (WINE), “Radioactive UnWork Medicine” (RUM), “Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter” (BEER), or “Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen” (VODKA).
Stay alert and warn your friends.
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The Catholic Type the Salvation Army Type and the Baptist Type
A man walked into the ladies section of a department store.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”
“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.
“Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?”
“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material.
“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only 3 types of bras,” replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked, “What are the 3 types?”
The saleslady replied, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”
Still confused, the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”
The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple… The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”
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Where Are You Going to Get a Lawyer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?!”
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She Wouldnt Be Able To Shes Left-Handed
A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:
Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”
Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”
Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”
Husband: “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually.”
Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”
Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live?”
Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”
Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer.”
Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”
Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”
Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to, she’s left-handed!”
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Does It Hurt as Much as Tennis Elbow
A man got on the train with both front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after several curious glances, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
She kept looking, thinking hard, then finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
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I Remembered Where I Left My Bike
A young assistant pastor went to the head preacher and said, “Pastor, I’ve got a bit of a situation. My bike’s been stolen.”
“I just moved to this small town and don’t want to start off by calling the police. If I knew who took it, I’d quietly ask for it back, but half the folks in church love a good prank and I don’t want to accuse the wrong one.”
The preacher smiled and said, “This Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.”
“When you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ scan the pews and watch for a guilty face. After the service, have a friendly chat with whoever looks nervous.”
That afternoon, the preacher saw the young pastor riding his bike down Main Street. He waved him over and said, “Well, I see you got it back!”
“Did my advice do the trick? Was it hard convincing the guilty party?”
The young pastor shook his head and laughed. “No sir, didn’t need to.”
“I was halfway through the Ten Commandments, but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!”
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The Pastor Under the Bed
A young doctor moves to a small community to replace an older doctor who is retiring.
The older doctor suggests that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds so the community can get used to the new doctor.
At the first house, a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “You’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on how much you’re eating and see if that helps.”
As they leave, the younger doctor says, “You didn’t even examine her! How did you come to that diagnosis so quickly?”
“Ah,” the older doctor replies. “You noticed I dropped my stethoscope? When I bent down to pick it up, I saw a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That’s probably what’s been making her sick.”
“Pretty clever,” the younger doctor says. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
At the next stop, they visit a younger woman who says she’s been feeling terribly run-down and just doesn’t have the energy she used to.
The young doctor nods and says, “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church. You should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they leave, the older doctor says, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is probably right, she’s very active in the church. But how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did,” the young doctor says. “I dropped my stethoscope, and when I bent down to pick it up, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”
