Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Moyel and the Leather Worker

    The Moyel and the Leather Worker

    In the Jewish religion, the ritual specialist who conducts circumcision (“bris”) is called a “moyel”.

    So this one moyel works for decades, and saves all his clippings. When he retires, he takes them to a leather worker, and asks if he can make something out of them.

    A couple of weeks later, the leather worker calls the moyel in and lays a wallet on the counter.

    “What? Sixty years in the trenches and all I get is a wallet?” cries the moyel.

    “Rub it. It turns into a suitcase.”

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  • Bringing Her Back

    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

    Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he sped down I-95, pressing the pedal even more.

    Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper — blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out and walked up to the Corvette. He glanced at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

    The old gentleman paused, then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

    “Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

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  • At 49 a Drink

    A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.

    The bartender is stunned, but he shrugs and makes the drink.

    When he brings it over, the gorilla hands him a $50 bill.

    Now the bartender is really amazed. A gorilla walked in, ordered a martini, and actually paid for it.

    At the register he pauses and thinks, let’s see if the gorilla notices anything.

    So he comes back and gives the gorilla $1 in change.

    The gorilla just sits there quietly sipping his martini.

    After a few minutes the bartender can’t take it anymore and says, “You know… we don’t get many gorillas in here.”

    The gorilla takes another sip and replies, “At $49 a drink, I’m surprised you get any customers at all.”

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  • Now She Wants to Break Three

    My daughter broke two of my Freddie Mercury records.

    Now she wants to break three.

  • Explain It Five Times

    A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender “Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

    The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225 lb and he’s a blond weight lifter,” he continues, “The fella to your right is blond, 6’5″ and pushing 300 lb and he’s a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”

    The blind guy goes: “Nah! Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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  • Count to 70

    Why can’t a blonde count to 70?

    Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful

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  • Knock Yourself Out

    I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.

    He said, “Sure, knock yourself out.”

  • Obi Wan Cannoli

    Obi Wan Cannoli

  • Fool Me -(n) Times

    Fool me zero times, shame on nobody.

    Fool me -(n) times, where nA = {x ∈ ℝ | 0 < x ≤ 1}, -(shame) on you.

  • Not Kinky Enough Daddy Long Legs

    Not Kinky Enough Daddy Long Legs