Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Smart Boss Hires Even Smarter People

    John visits his friend David, a fellow businessman, and clearly impressed asks him, “David, how do you keep this place running so smooth?”

    “Easy,” he said. “I surround myself with people who actually have a brain. Watch.” He calls his Chief Financial Officer and asks, “He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”

    The CFO responds almost immediately: “That’s me.”

    John is floored. He flies home, calls his own CFO, and says, “Mike, I’ve got a test for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”

    The CFO stammers for twenty minutes before asking for 24 hours to “research” it. He panics and calls Warren Buffet. “Sir, quick question: Your father’s son, but not your brother. Who is it?”

    Buffet sighs. “It’s me, Mike.”

    Mike runs to his boss, all proud. “Sir! I have the answer! It’s Warren Buffet!”

    John slams his desk. “No, you idiot! It’s David’s finance guy!”

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  • Chevy and Toyota’s Unfortunate Bathroom Breakthrough

    Did you hear that Chevy and Toyota will be working together to build a car at the old Chevette factory?

    The new sportscar will feature bucket seats and automatic wipers.

    It will be called . . . the Toy-a-let.

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  • E Afraid of W

    E Afraid of W

    Why was E afraid of W?

    Why?

    Because White

  • The Computer

    Do you know why people call me “The Computer”?

    I fall asleep if left unattended for 5 minutes.

  • Sea Mine Pun

    Sea Mine Pun

    You thought other puns were bad? Just wait until you sea mine.

  • Mike’s Perfect Exit Strategy

    The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

    When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”

    “My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”

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  • Rejecting Your Rejection: A Polite Reversal

    Letter to Send to People Who Won’t Hire You

    [Date Today]

    Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:

    Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

    Despite Acme Inc.’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

    Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

    Sincerely,

    [Your Name]

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  • Caught Napping: Creative Excuses for Workplace Sleeping

    If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job

    “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
    “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
    “I was working smarter – not harder.”
    “Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
    “Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
    “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
    “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
    “I was trying to remember where that difficult ‘Z’ Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
    “I’m in the management training program.”
    “I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
    “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
    “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
    “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
    “Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
    “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
    “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
    “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
    “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
    “I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
    “The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
    “Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”

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  • Jack and Jill’s Unexpected Workplace Showdown

    There’s a boss who hired two workers (Jack and Jill) last summer as temporaries. The summer is now over, and he doesn’t have the money to keep both workers on, but he CAN keep one. He’s got a problem because they’re both good workers. So he decides to let fate settle his dilemma by firing the first one of the two that goes to the water fountain the next morning.

    Jill is the first to arrive, and, having a headache, takes two aspirins to the water cooler. The boss says to himself, “Well, that’s it then. It’s gotta be Jill.”

    He calls Jill into his office. “Money is tight, and I don’t have enough to keep you AND Jack on the payroll. So I either have to lay you or Jack off.”

    To which Jill replied: “Well, you’ll just have to jack off, because I have a headache.”

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  • Free Budweiser, Next Right

    Someone should put up a sign next to a NASCAR track reading “FREE BUDWEISER, NEXT RIGHT.”