Tone: crude

Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Your Tit Is Hanging in the Ashtray

    A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.”

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    The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drank in one gulp.

    “Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy.” Again, the bartender brought her a Martini.

    By this time the lady was leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.”

    Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn — your tit is hanging in the ashtray.”

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  • Say It With Flowers

    Say It With Flowers

    “SAY IT WITH FLOWERS!”

    “I NEED SOMETHING THAT SAYS, ‘I’D LIKE TO STICK MY DICK BETWEEN YOUR TITS’”

  • The Three FBI Agents

    There were three recruits that were on their way up the ranks after joining the FBI for top-ranking officers. There was one final test for them to do before they were chosen to officially join the top ranks, and if they failed, they would not be chosen for the prestigious position.

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    So there were three doors, and the commander explains what each of them needs to do. He says, “Behind the door with your name on it is each one of your wives, and for the final test you must go in that room — there will be a gun sitting on the table — and you need to kill your wife.”

    There is an awkward silence for a few minutes before the first guy goes in the room with his name on it. A few minutes later, he comes bursting out of there crying, “I can’t do it! I just can’t do it!” He hands the gun to the commander and walks away.

    The second guy goes into the room with his name on it, and he’s in there for a little bit longer. He calmly comes out of the room, hands the commander his gun, and says, “Nope, can’t do it.”

    So the third guy goes in the room with his name on it, and he’s in there for quite a while. And then all of a sudden everyone outside the door hears “BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!” then “click, click, click, click,” and then they hear what sounds like a struggle. A few minutes later, the third guy comes out and says, “God damn it, somebody put blanks in this gun, so I had to take off my jacket and strangle the bitch.”

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  • Another 67 of Them

    My girlfriend asked to do a 69.

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    I said, “What’s that?” She said, “Lie down and I’ll show you,” so she went to squat over my face.

    As she did, she farted and jumped up and said, “Sorry,” and then tried again. She then farted a second time.

    With that, I jumped up and said, “I’m fucked. I’m not hanging around for another sixty-seven of them.”

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  • Definitely

    A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY.

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    She turns to the class and says, “Today we’ll be looking at the word ‘definitely.’ Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement.”

    Little Suzy raises her hand and says, “I am definitely going to the park after school today.”

    “No, I would think there’s a good chance you’ll go to the park, but it might rain, so it’s not definitely.”

    Little Billy raises his hand and says, “My team is definitely going to win the game this Saturday.”

    “No, I know you really want your team to win the game this Saturday, but wanting is not enough to make it definitely.”

    Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Miss, is there such a thing as a lumpy fart?”

    “No.”

    “Then I definitely just shat myself.”

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  • Big Fucking Boat

    Big Fucking Boat

    God: Build a big fucking boat

    Noah: Do you mean a very large boat or a boat made for fucking.

    God: *pauses*

    God: Both

  • Birth Control Drug

    Birth Control Drug

    When she crushes up her birth control an snorts it:

    Drug

  • Pinata Blindfold

    Pinata Blindfold

    Damn girl… are you a pinata? Because I’m gonna need a fuckin’ blindfold before I hit that.

  • So Many Fucking Idiots

    So Many Fucking Idiots

    Salesman: *slaps USA* you can fit so many fucking idiots in this bad boy

  • Didnt Even Turn Up

    Didnt Even Turn Up

    ben @rokthedisco

    Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare dick sizes, fucking weirdo didn’t even turn up