Tone: crude

Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Hold On for Eight Seconds

    Do you know what a rodeo fuck is?

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    Your wife/girlfriend gets on all fours. You mount up, making sure you have a good grip.

    Then you say, “Honey, you’re the worst piece of ass I ever had!”

    Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

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  • Computer Safety: A Gentleman’s Guide

    1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.

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    2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex shows.

    3. The fan in your computer’s power supply is not a good place to cool your “heat of passion” (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience).

    4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy “tickling the keys” with your manhood.

    5. Semen IS electrically conductive!

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  • Dirty Medical Humor: Adult Jokes Collection

    Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
    A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

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    Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A: A bingo machine.

    Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
    A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…

    Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
    A: They have shaky hands!

    Q: What do you call a female midget who’s nice and gives head?
    A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

    Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
    A: An armadildo.

    Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
    A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

    Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?
    A: Come in eight flavors.

    Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
    A: “Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the Beaver last night?”

    Q: Do you know why it’s called sex?
    A: Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!

    Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
    A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

    Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
    A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

    Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
    A: 8 hours, 59 minutes – who cares what she wants!

    Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
    A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

    Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
    A: In case you miss.

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  • Fresh Liver Fixes Everything Until It Ends Up in the Sink

    It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.

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    So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.

    Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

    Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, “Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I’m doomed to end up an old maid.”

    She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table…..

    “Dear Annie,

    Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL!

    Sorry I had to leave so early, but I’ll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON!

    Love You,
    Bill

    (P.S. Your cunt’s in the sink)”

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  • Slow Morning Romance

    Slow Morning Romance

    I like my mornings to be slow and quiet. I want the day to romance me a bit before it tries to fuck me.

  • Michelangelo Dicks Out

    Michelangelo Dicks Out

    “Yeah I can paint your ceiling”

    Michelangelo scoffs to himself

    “Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out tho”

  • Garys Dick In Fruit

    Garys Dick In Fruit

    We aren’t falling for it again Gary, we know your dick is in the fruit!!!

  • Settling Out of Court on the Golf Course

    Two queers were enjoying a pleasant round of golf when a foursome of Hell’s Angels began hitting into them from behind. One queer finally becomes angry and turns to his partner,”If those big bad boys hit into us one more time, Seymour, you fall down and act like the ball hit you very very hard in the head. We’ll just sue those naughty boys.”

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    Sure enough, next hole they drove the ball directly into the gay twosome. “Now, Seymour, now! Fall down. Well show them…”

    The Angels walk up to the standing and lying queer and say, “What the hell’s going on here?”

    “You just hurt my friend Seymour really bad, and we’re going to get a lawyer and sue you….how do you like that?”

    The Angel replies, “Oh Blow Me!”

    The queer exclaims, “Seymour, Seymour, get up! They want to settle out of court!”

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  • Fuzz versus Tits: A Street Corner Debate

    Two prostitutes are standing on a street corner. One says to the other, “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

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    The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits!”

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  • Dirty Riddles and Cheeky One-Liners

    How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
    Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

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    What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
    “How come?”

    What’s the definition of a teenager?
    God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

    Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
    They’ll never see you coming.

    What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
    S&M;&M.;

    What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?
    They both capture that special moment.

    Define Transvestite:
    A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

    Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
    The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

    What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
    A scrotum pole!

    What’s the ultimate in rejection?
    When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

    Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
    There’d be too many thank you notes to write.

    What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
    Two Mennonite!

    Why is sex like a game of bridge?
    If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

    Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
    Is it in?

    What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A bingo machine.

    What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
    One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

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