Tone: crude

Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Race Who Comes First

    Race Who Comes First

    WHENEVER I HAVE SEX, IT’S A RACE TO SEE WHO COMES FIRST.

    ME OR THE POLICE.

  • Eat Her Pussy Cat

    Eat Her Pussy Cat

    When your girlfriend invites you over to “eat her pussy” but then she starts stripping her clothes off instead of cooking her cat

    *cries in ching chong*

  • Toilet Paper Cardboard

    Toilet Paper Cardboard

    Runs out of toilet paper

    Helpful redditors: This poor fella is doing it all wrong. Ya just stick the cardboard roll up your ass and poop thru the tube so no shit ever touches your butthole.

    My genius has come alive.

  • Coronavirus Squirrel Ass

    Coronavirus Squirrel Ass

    Coronavirus panic day 3: I was forced to catch a squirrel today, not for food, I just used it to wipe my ass… It was not happy

  • Trump Shakira Hot

    Trump Shakira Hot

    Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump

    That Shakira is hot. If only they all looked like that. Open borders baby.

  • Havent Seen You for Weeks

    A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Because he used to live in a brothel” says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

    When she gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me, a new brothel!” The woman laughs.

    When her daughters get home the parrot says: “Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!” The girls laughs too.

    When the dad gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me Pete, haven’t seen you for weeks!”

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  • Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex

    The Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    15. Madonna: “Dammit, you’re blocking the mirror!”

    14. Verizon Wireless guy: “Can you feel me now? Good. Can you feel me now? Good. Can you….”

    13. Charlie Sheen: “Do you take MasterCard?”

    12. Susan Sarandon: “Let’s just continue with the inspections for a little while longer.”

    11. Anna Nicole Smith: “Quick! Someone get a defibru… a defebrul… a diffruberal… a doctor!!”

    10. Jack Webb: “Just relax, Ma’am.”

    9. Andy Rooney: “Didja ever notice how sometimes your anus contracts during orgasm? Why is that?”

    8. Winona Ryder: “How the hell should *I* know where your wallet is?!?”

    7. Ben Affleck: “Thank you, Satan!”

    6. Steve Irwin: “Crikey! A whopper like that could swallow a guy whole!”

    5. Tony Blair: “Mind if I call you ‘Georgie’?”

    4. Pat Sajak: “Yes, I can give you an ‘O’ — in fact, I can give you several!”

    3. Wilt Chamberlain: “Next!”

    2. Michael Jackson: “Where’s your daddy? Where’s your daddy?!?”

    1. Simon Cowell: “That was horrible! Just dreadful. I believe you may be the worst sex partner in the world! I mean it, that was absolutely atrocious. I wouldn’t even call that sex.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Penis Dishes (R-rated version)

    The Top 16 Penis Dishes (R-rated version)

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    16. Weenieschnitzel

    15. Ding-Dongs

    14. Buffalo Wangs

    13. Chicken Marphallus

    12. Shish-ka-bobbitt

    11. Mansmeat Pie

    10. Wangers and Mash

    9. Standing Ribbed Roast (for her pleasure)

    8. Beef Swellington

    7. Rocky Mountain Sausage

    6. Beans ‘n’ Frank’s Frank

    5. Veal Scallopeepee

    4. Host-less Twinkie

    3. Spotted Dick (a vas diferens from the traditional British version)

    2. Rootie Tootie Fresh-Cut Woody

    1. Tool House Cookies

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

    The Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    16. “But officer, she asked for directions!”

    15. You’re the only guy at your gym who’s got a French manicure between his legs.

    14. Your wedding ring keeps falling off in the shower.

    13. Restraining order keeps you out of Yellow Pages offices nationwide.

    12. “Not tonight, baby — I’ve got a hangnail.”

    11. Madge calls the cops when she discovers you soaking in the Palmolive.

    10. Your rabbi is also your manicurist.

    9. A few words into your “I did not have sexual relations” finger-wagging speech, Helen Thomas faints dead away.

    8. Getting to third base is now a ground-rule home run.

    7. You now get arrested for giving someone the finger — even in New York City.

    6. Millions of pianists in the world, but there are chords that only *you* can play.

    5. Aunt Norma won’t let you play “Chopsticks” at the family reunion anymore.

    4. You sprout wood every time someone cuts you off in traffic.

    3. Even Fox has to go to commercial when you throw your knuckleball.

    2. Your nose-picking habit is cured — and your belly button is squeaky clean!

    1. “With this ring I thee– HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

    The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”

    15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”

    14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”

    13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”

    12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”

    11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”

    10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”

    9. “I have early-onset onanism.”

    8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”

    7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”

    6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”

    5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”

    4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”

    3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”

    2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”

    1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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