Tone: dark humor

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • At Least He Let Go of Ol Zeek

    Here in Kentucky, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Ol’ Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge–into the wind he goes!

    Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin’ bout the good ol’ days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

    “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.

    Paw raises up, “Git my gun, Maw.”

    She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

    He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

    “I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.

    “Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol’ Zeek!”

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  • A Good Sheepll Do That

    Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that’s illegal an’ all. Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised.

    The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw: “Well, I was walkin’ along, and saw this sheep just’a eatin’ grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like.”

    “And then what?” asked the prosecutor.

    “Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close.”

    “And what happened after that?”

    “Well,” said the witness, “they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around… an’ licked him!”

    Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, “You know… a good sheep’ll do that.”

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  • Shaking Like a Crack Whore

    Sometimes at the office, my co-worker tells me I drink too much coffee and makes fun of me by saying I’m “shaking like a crack whore.” Good thing she doesn’t know what I do in my off-hours.

  • Arkansas Vasectomy

    After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Arky said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.”

    So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

    Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…” at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

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  • 45 Pounds vs 45 Minutes

    We all know the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is 45 pounds, but…

    Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: What is the definition of “making love”?
    A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

    Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
    A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

    Q: What’s the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
    A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

    Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
    A: Spits out the feathers.

    Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
    A: Humpme Dumpme.

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  • The Band or the Football Team

    The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible.

    “All right!” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”

    Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.”

    “I should hope so!” the Mother responded. “The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.”

    “Chill Mom.” the girl said. “I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team.”

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  • Pass Me the Vaseline

    Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

    The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise,” said the bride.

    Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife’s hand on the stump.

    “Hmmmmm,” she said softly, “that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I’ll see what I can do!”

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  • She Rolls Over and Plays Dead

    Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

    “Does your wife ever … well, you know … does she … well, let you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.

    “Well, not exactly,” his friend replied, “She’s into the dog trick aspect of it.”

    “Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”

    “Well… not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead.”

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  • That Same Thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff Used to Do

    Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

    Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

    “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY…”

    Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

    So Johnny tells her, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

    At this point, Johnny’s mother cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, so suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell the rest tonight.”

    At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car in the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and said, “…then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army!”

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  • Priests Dont Look

    Priests Dont Look

    miguel ruiz @maneruiz

    You know you’re getting older when you walk past a couple of priests and they don’t even look at you…

    6:17 PM – 18 May 13