Tone: dark humor

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

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    Down Loading

  • Still Under the Cart

    While golfing, a guy accidentally overturns his golf cart in a tremendous crash.

    A very attractive female golfer, who lives in a townhome overlooking the golf course, hears the crash and calls out, “Are you okay?”

    “I’m okay, thanks,” says the guy, as he pulls himself from the twisted golf cart wreck.

    She says, “Come up to my home, you can recover for a bit, and I’ll help you with the golf cart later.”

    Even being a bit dizzy, the guy couldn’t help but notice that her bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be an amazing figure.

    “That’s mighty nice of you,” he answers, “but I really don’t think my wife would approve.”

    “Oh, come on now,” she insists.

    She was so pretty, so very persuasive, and the guy was so relatively dazed!

    “Well okay, but I’m quite sure my wife won’t be happy with me.”

    After a couple of gin and tonics, he thanks her and says, “I feel a lot better, and I know that my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d best leave now.”

    “Don’t be silly!” she said with a coquettish smile, letting her robe fall even slightly more open. “Stay for a while. She won’t know a thing, we can have another drink.” Then she asks, by the way, “Where is she, anyway?”

    The guy replies, “Probably still under the cart, if I were to bet.”

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  • Kids Eat Free Steak And Bud Light

    Kids Eat Free Steak And Bud Light

  • If I Had One of Those

    A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute. He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!” She says, “Honey, follow me,” and takes him outside.

    “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.” So he tries it, and it’s great. A week later he’s horny again. He goes back to the bar and asks her about a BJ.

    She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with money from BJ’s. I do it the best.” So he takes her up on it, and it’s amazing. He’s drained for a month.

    Now obsessed, he goes back. Desperately he says, “I gotta know, how much for the vagina?”

    “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”

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  • You Have 5

    Doctor tells the patient, “You have an incurable disease and you don’t have that much time before you die.”

    Patient asks, “How long before I die, doc?”

    Doctor goes, “You have 5…”

    Patient asking frantically, “5 what? 5 years? 5 months? 5 days?!”

    Doctor, “4.”

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  • Supercuts Punched In The Jaw

    Supercuts Punched In The Jaw

  • The Mercedes Sight

    An old guy from the countryside visits New York for the first time. He’s never seen so many cars, and he’s never been in one.

    He gets into a cab and starts asking the driver questions.

    “What’s that wheel for?”

    “That’s the steering wheel,” the driver says. “It lets me change direction.” He gives a quick demonstration, turning down a side street.

    “What about that button?”

    “That’s the horn. I use it to warn people.” He honks twice.

    “And what’s that?” the old man asks, pointing at the Mercedes emblem on the hood.

    “That’s a sight,” says the driver, deciding to have some fun. “It helps me aim at the people I want to run over.”

    With that, he lines up a pedestrian crossing the street, speeds up, then swerves at the last second.

    Suddenly… Bang! A loud crash comes from the side of the car.

    “Well,” says the old man, “you’ve got all these fancy gadgets, but you would’ve missed him if I hadn’t opened the door.”

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  • A Very Delicate Heart

    A retired fellow hadn’t been feeling quite right, so he went to see his doctor.

    After the exam, the doctor quietly asked his wife to step into the hallway.

    “I’m afraid your husband has a very delicate heart,” he said. “If you want him around a while longer, you’ll need to treat him like royalty — wait on him hand and foot, no stress, no chores, no lifting a finger.”

    On the drive home, the husband looked over nervously and asked, “So… what did the doc say?”

    His wife sighed and said, “He said you’re probably not going to make it.”

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  • The Golf Shot Behind the Barn

    A guy golfing with his wife gets to the first par 3 on the course. He lines up the shot, takes a swing and slices it way right of the green — landing behind a barn!

    He walks up to his ball and sees that he doesn’t have a shot to the hole because there’s a giant barn in the way.

    His wife chimes in: “Honey, why don’t you open up the front doors of the barn, I’ll open up the back doors, you’ll have a perfectly clear shot to the hole, and you can save par!”

    It was an amazing idea.

    So they open the doors and sure enough he has a perfect shot to the hole. He lines up the shot, takes a swing, shanks it badly, the ball ricochets off the barn, hits his wife in the head and KILLS her instantly!

    Years later, after remarrying, he takes his new wife to the same course.

    When he gets to the par 3 he takes his shot, slicing the ball way right, again landing directly behind the barn! Furious with himself, he walks up to the ball and just stands over his shot.

    His new wife says, “Honey, I have an amazing idea! Why don’t you open the front doors of the barn, I will open the…”

    The husband interrupts her — “WOAH HEY WHOA WHOA WHOA, WAIT A SECOND! The last time I did that on this hole, I wound up making a triple bogey!”

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  • Smoked Crack After Work And Sold The Car

    Smoked Crack After Work And Sold The Car