Tone: dark
Dark jokes, grim memes, and humor with the lights off and the judgment missing from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Three Stages of Marital Sex
A young man is getting ready for his wedding with his dad’s help.
While dressing, the dad says, “So you’re okay on the sex thing, right, son?”
“Yeah, sure, Dad. It’s all cool.”
The dad continues, “So you’re familiar with the three stages of marital sex, are you?”
“The three what?! Whatever, Dad. I got it!”
“No, really,” says the dad. “There are three stages of marital sex.”
“Okay, Dad. I’ll bite. What’s the story?”
The dad says, “There’s honeymoon sex, holiday sex, and hallway sex.
Honeymoon sex is what you would expect – you and your wife can’t get enough of each other. You’re constantly going at it.
But as life gets busy with kids, careers, and bills, the holiday sex stage takes over. You really only have time to get intimate on special occasions.
Then, finally, you reach the stage of hallway sex.”
“What’s that?” the son asks.
“Well, basically, that’s when you and your wife pass each other in the hallway and say, ‘Fuck you.’”
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Who Ate the Cleaner?
Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation.
“Well,” says the boss, “if I hire you guys, you have to promise not to eat any of our staff.”
The cannibals promise they won’t eat anyone, and they get hired.
Everything goes well for a while, until one day the boss calls them into his office.
“You’re working well and all, but we’re missing an office cleaner. Do you have something to do with that?”
The cannibals swear they’re innocent.
The boss believes them and leaves the office.
Their leader turns to the others and screams, “You idiots! Who ate the cleaner?”
One of the cannibals sheepishly raises his hand.
“You fool!” shouts the leader.
“For weeks we’ve been feasting on directors, team leaders, project managers, and human resources staff — and then you go and eat someone they’ll actually miss!”
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The Interpreter Had Other Plans
A Chicago mob boss needed someone to collect protection money without talking to the police.
With cops watching closely, he had an idea.
“Get me someone who can’t talk. That way, if he gets picked up, he can’t talk to the cops.”
They bring in Pete — a big bloke who looks mean as hell. He doesn’t speak and communicates only in sign language.
By the end of the week, Pete has collected $50,000.
Then he disappears.
The boss sends two goons. They track Pete down easily, but he just stares at them, expressionless.
So they drag him to an interpreter.
One of the goons says, “Ask him where the money is.”
The interpreter signs it.
Pete shrugs and signs back, “No idea what you’re talking about.”
The interpreter says, “He says he doesn’t know anything.”
The goon pulls out a gun and presses it to Pete’s head.
“Ask him again.”
The interpreter hesitates, then signs again.
Pete immediately folds.
“Alright! It’s in Central Park, under a tree stump near 78th Street!”
The interpreter turns back to the goons and says, “He says he doesn’t know anything — and he thinks you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
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The Top 16 Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday
16. Filled out the necessary paperwork to have the paraffin spill from his birthday cake declared a federal Superfund cleanup site.
15. Tried to spring Mary-Kate out of rehab for a night of partying.
14. Blew birthday money on hookers. More precisely, H-O scale hooker figurines to install under the street lamps in his model railroad set.
13. Bravely liberated another gallon of Old Grand-Dad from the Strategic Booze Reserve.
12. No one knows for sure, but police say it involved a garden gnome, two quarts of industrial adhesive, a stun gun, and a Barry White CD.
11. Swam like a porpoise in his swimming pool filled with dot-com cash, bay-bee!
10. Same as every year: got hammered on cheap tequila at a bar and slapped silly by women less than amused by his drunken advances, laughed like a hyena while egging Letterman’s house, then returned home to torch up a doobie the size of a python.
9. Cocktails with Pat and Vanna while listening to them trash Trebek.
8. Tried to speed-eat his weight in free birthday Moons Over My Hammy breakfasts at every Denny’s in the Tri-State area.
7. Put the finishing touches on a surprise macramé prison jumpsuit for Martha Stewart.
6. Took a well-deserved day off from the soul-crushing grind of reading jokes all day for a living.
5. Had too much to drink and got a bit rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese’s, then got his ass kicked by a 16-year-old in a rat costume. Again.
4. Glued to CNN Headline News, fantasizing about Jenna Bush’s tongue.
3. “With all due respect, Mr. Vice President, I’m not even sure that’s physically possible — but I’ll give it my best shot, sir.”
2. Got his free annual mullet-trimming during NASCAR commercial breaks.
1. Negotiated for a 30-minute conjugal visit, then spent the extra 27 minutes watching The Golden Girls.
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Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)
The Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)
15) Suddenly every woman’s T-shirt looks like Jennifer Aniston’s.
14) Lines wrap around the block for help-wanted signs at crematoriums.
13) Bipartisan agreement emerges to relocate Trump’s inauguration to Mar-a-Lago.
12) The annual Polar Bear Club outing gets moved to the YMCA indoor pool.
11) You can see your breath and can’t wear flip-flops (Southern California only).
10) Every fire hydrant has two or three dogs stuck to it.
9) Dick Cheney’s cold, dead heart raises Wyoming’s temperature by five degrees.
8) The Kardashian clan has buttoned their blouses all the way up.
7) Climate-change deniers start scheduling their annual “Global warming, my ass!” press conferences.
6) Hillary Clinton breaks out her ice tiara.
5) You gather the family around a witch’s tit for warmth.
4) The state of Florida asks President Trump to build a wall on its northern border.
3) Ann Coulter’s heart just asked for a sweater.
2) The Devil just ordered red thermal “Make Hell Great Again” long johns.
And the #1 sign it’s too F*#king cold…
1) Junior just chipped his milk teeth on your wife’s nipples.
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One Change in Hell (German Engineering Edition)
An American, a Brit, and a German get sent to hell. Satan says, “You’re all here forever—but every 10 years, each of you gets one adjustment.”
The American gets dragged over razor-sharp, red-hot coals every day.
The Brit gets skinned by demons with pitchforks.
The German gets strapped into a machine that smashes him in the balls with a spiked hammer every 10 minutes.Ten years pass.
Satan asks the American, “Your one change?”
“Can I get smoother rocks?”Granted.
He asks the Brit, “Your one change?”
“Can the demons use plastic spoons instead?”Granted.
He asks the German, “Your one change?”
“Yes. The mechanism is malfunctioning. It now strikes every 11 minutes. Kindly repair it.”
