Tone: dark
Dark jokes, grim memes, and humor with the lights off and the judgment missing from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Pirates, Prison, and a Booty Call!
In 2010, a group of pirates buried their treasure and, earlier this year, tried to recover it. They tried everything—bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar—but they couldn’t find their treasure.
One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.
“Captain, we should break R. Kelly out of prison.”
The captain said, “This is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard, but go ahead. Why?”
“Captain, if anybody can find 15-year-old booty, it’s this guy!”
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Bench of Bizarre Disorders
A sadist, a masochist, a necrophile, a murderer, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
“Let’s have sex with the cat,” says the zoophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it,” says the murderer.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, and then have sex with it again,” says the necrophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again, and then burn it,” says the pyromaniac.
There was a silence. Then the masochist said, “Meow.”
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Kids Say the Darndest Goodbyes!
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says, “God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma, and… goodbye Grandpa.”
He asks her, “Why did you say that?”
“I don’t know, I just felt like saying it.”
The next day, Grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks Dad, that’s an odd coincidence.
A month later, at bedtime, the daughter says, “God bless Mommy and Daddy. And goodbye Grandma.”
Sure enough, the next day Grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
Dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he isn’t sure what to do. He doesn’t want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and Grandpa were her parents).
Months go by, and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime.
“God bless Mommy…” she turns her head and looks straight at him, “…and goodbye Daddy.”“What?! Are you sure, honey?”
She nods.
The man’s heart begins racing, and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can’t sleep at all that night.
The next day, he goes off to work but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings, and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally, it is midnight, and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death.
He drives home, drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him.
“Where the hell were you today?!”
He replies, “Don’t shout, I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”His wife then says, “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps…”
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Anatomy Class: A Taste for the Unusual
Some first-year medical students were attending their first anatomy class.
They gathered around a table where a real dead body had been placed for study. The professor began by telling them that every good doctor must have two important qualities.
“The first,” he said, “is that a doctor must never be disgusted by anything in the human body.”
To demonstrate, he inserted his finger into the dead body’s anus, then put the finger in his mouth and tasted it. He then asked the students to repeat what he had done.
The students were shocked and hesitated for several minutes, but eventually, one by one, they did the same thing. Each of them inserted a finger into the body’s anus and then tasted it.
When everyone had finished, they stood there frowning and looking uncomfortable.
The professor looked at them and smiled. “The second most important quality of a doctor,” he said, “is observation.”
“I inserted my middle finger,” he continued, “but I tasted my index finger.”
