Dark jokes, grim memes, and humor with the lights off and the judgment missing from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I feel really terrible the last day or two. My entire body aches, my vision and hearing are failing, I’m completely fatigued, and just feeling malaise overall.”
The doctor says “We’re going to run some tests on you, come back tomorrow for the results.”
The guy comes back the next day and the doctor says, “I have some very bad news. Please sit down.”
He continues, “You have an extraordinarily rare disease, we believe it’s virus, but it’s so rare it doesn’t even have a name yet. This illness is ravaging your whole body – the nervous system, respiratory system, cardiovascular system, digestive system, reproductive system, all of the systems in your body are shutting down quite rapidly. The entire medical field is confounded by the sudden onset of this disease, and so far, researchers have found no treatment or cure. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have about 3 days to live, maybe less.”
The man slumps over, fully in shock, and says “Oh my God, Doc. This can’t be happening. I’m young, I have a family, I have so much to live for. Is there ANYTHING that can be done?”
The doc replies, “Again, and I’m so sorry to say this, but there is nothing we can do. You will be dead within days.”
The man begins to shake and weep, crying “Please, doc, I have a wife and two young children. I can’t do this to them. My babies can’t grow up without a father. And my wife is the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met, and neither of us have any living family members left. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her alone in the world to try and care for our children.”
The man then begins to loudly sob, “PLEASE, doc, I’m BEGGING YOU, is there ANYTHING that can be done? An experimental drug or treatment? PLEASE, I will try ANYTHING!”
The doctor says, “Well, there is one treatment I’ve heard about. I cannot vouch for it and I don’t believe there’s any research showing any efficacy.”
The man’s eyes widen and he asks, “PLEASE TELL ME!”
Doctor says, “Okay, there is a holistic spa just across town. This spa offers a unique type of mud bath, not unlike a mud mask used for skin care, except it is applied to the entire body. The mud is actually a type of mineral-rich clay that is only found in two areas of the world. If you leave my office right now, you should be able to get there in about five minutes and undergo the treatment.”
The man asks through tears, “Is there a chance I will get better?”
The doctor says, “No, but it will help you start getting used to the dirt.”
I inherited an EpiPen from my grandfather. He wanted me to get it. That was his dying wish.
Weird, I know, I’m not even allergic.
I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Instead of screaming like his passengers!
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?
A prostitute will stop screwing you after you’re dead.
A wedding photographer was today tragically crushed by a 200lb wheel of cheese that fell off the catering truck.
The guests all tried to warn him…
I woke up this morning and I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
But after the first two, I felt better.
How do you make a dead baby float?
One can of root beer, one scoop of vanilla, and two scoops of dead baby.
I interviewed 10,000 thousand people who had played Russian roulette and not a single one of them were harmed from the game.
