Tone: darkly humorous

Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • FAQ for Women About Men

    The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

    Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
    A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.

    Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
    A: YES. Before if possible.

    Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
    A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

    Q: How long should the sex act last?
    A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

    Q: What is “afterplay”?
    A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

    Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
    A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

    Q: What about the female orgasm?
    A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.

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  • Dont Complain About My Cooking

    A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”

    His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, “You’re gay? Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

    Nervously, the guy said, “Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.”

    His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!”

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  • The Taxi Driver

    A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

    The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

    “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

    “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

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  • Caught In Bed With My Board

    These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

    The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said, “What’s that board for?”

    The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

    They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”

    The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”

    “Okay,” they said and left.

    Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said, “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

    The trader said, “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

    “Yeah,” said the guy.

    “Where is he?” asked the trader.

    “I shot him,” said the guy.

    “Why?”

    “I caught him in bed with my board.”

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  • Head in the Fence

    This guy is driving through California and picks up a hitchhiker. They continue down the road until they come upon a sheep with its head caught in the fence. The driver, overcome with emotion, pulls off the road and says, “Oh, I can’t just drive past without doing something about this… I’ll be right back.”

    He gets out of the car, goes up to the sheep, and starts fucking it from behind. When done, he walks back to the car and gets in.

    The California guy goes, “Damn! I’ve never seen anything like that.”

    The driver says, “You ought to try it, it’s fantastic.”

    The California guy goes, “…Yea, it did look like a lot of fun, what the hell, I’ll do it!”

    He gets out of the car, walks over to the fence, and sticks his head through it.

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  • No Math at All

    All over China, parents tell their children to stop complaining and to finish their quadratic equations and trigonometric functions because there are sixty-five million American kids going to bed with no math at all.

  • Hurts Doesnt It

    A married guy was out getting a little “strange stuff” when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying, “Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can’t get to go away… What would you like us to do?”

    To which she replied, “Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me… Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.”

    When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband’s face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him she said softly, “Hurts, doesn’t it?”

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  • The Milk Man Dead

    A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

    One day, he made three predictions. One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die.

    Sure enough, a year later he died.

    The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.

    Sure enough, a year later she died. He figured he had a year to live it up with that life insurance, which he did, spending every penny of it.

    The eve of his projected death, he drank himself into a stupor. To his amazement, he woke up the next morning with nothing more than a bad hangover. He stumbled to the back porch to get the milk for his coffee, where he found the milk man dead.

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  • Catch a Coyote at His Age

    This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.

    “Oh my God!” she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the town bar.

    “It figures,” she says as she storms inside.

    The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking off.

    She runs up to the sheriff who’s sitting at the bar with his drink. “What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal… and then… I come in here… and see this old man in the corner jacking off right in public!”

    “Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “You don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”

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  • Taking Out the Bodies of the Previous Owners

    I really enjoy taking out the trash from my new home. It’s hard to explain, but walking the trash to the curb the night before trash day really makes me feel like a homeowner. Especially now that I’ve taken out the bodies of the previous owners.