Tone: darkly humorous

Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Honeymoon Question

    A newly married couple were lying in bed on the first night of their honeymoon when the husband, in a moment of what he would later describe as very poor judgment, propped himself up on one elbow and said, “Sweetheart… can I ask you something personal? How many men have you been with before me?”

    His wife said nothing. He waited. Still nothing. She was lying perfectly flat on her back, staring at the ceiling with a faraway expression.

    “Honey?” he tried again. “I hope I didn’t offend you. I was just curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

    Not a word. He started to feel genuinely bad. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Truly. It doesn’t matter one bit. I love you completely, whatever your answer might be.”

    He waited another minute. She kept staring at the ceiling. Her lips moved ever so slightly. He leaned in close. “Sweetheart? Are you all right?”

    She turned to him slowly, with the look of a woman who has been very seriously interrupted, and said, “For heaven’s sake, would you please stop talking? I’m still counting.”

  • The Police Dog Fetch

    Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.

    One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”

    The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your minge and he’ll go and fetch them.”

    Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector’s fingers.

  • The Spies and the Firing Squad

    A British spy, Irish spy and Scottish spy are captured by the Nazis…

    Just as the Nazis are about to open fire, the British spy shouts

    “Hurricane!”

    and all the Nazis run, allowing the British spy to escape

    Angered, they return, and prepare to shoot the Scottish spy when he shouts

    “Typhoon!”

    and all the Nazis run, allowing the Scottish spy to escape

    The Nazis return again, angry, to kill the Irish spy when he shouts

    “Fire!”

  • She’s Left-Handed

    A wife asks her husband, a true golf nut, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

    He ponders for a moment, then says, “After a proper grieving period, yes, I suppose I would. Companionship is a good thing.”

    “If I died and you remarried,” the wife next asks, “would she then live in this house?”

    He pauses to collect his thoughts, and then says, “Well, we’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house to our exact liking. So yes, I think she would.”

    “If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house,” the wife continues, “would she also sleep in our bed?”

    Not exactly sure where his wife is going with all of this, he offers, “Well, the bed is nearly new and should last for many more years. Yes, I’m sure she would.”

    “If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed,” the wife probes further, “would she use my golf clubs?”

    “Oh, no,” the husband replies, far too quickly. “She’s left-handed.”

  • The Laxative Cough Remedy

    A drug store owner walks in and notices a man leaning stiffly against the wall.

    He asks the clerk, “What’s wrong with that guy?”

    The clerk says, “He came in looking for something for a cough. We were out of cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxatives.”

    The owner shouts, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

    The clerk replies, “Oh yeah? Look at him… he’s afraid to cough.”

  • The Cyanide Prescription

    A nice, calm, and respectable woman walks into a pharmacy, goes straight to the pharmacist, looks him in the eye, and says, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”

    The pharmacist asks, “Why on earth do you need cyanide?”

    The woman replies, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes widen, and he exclaims, “My God! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! We’ll both go to jail! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo and replies, “Well, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

  • The Amish Family and the Elevator

    An Amish husband, wife, and son travel to the city on vacation.

    While the mother shops, the father and son stand in awe in front of an elevator, having no idea what it is.

    As they watch, an elderly woman slowly walks into the strange silver doors. The doors close, and the father and son watch the numbers light up as the elevator rises… then pauses, and comes back down.

    A moment later, the doors open and a beautiful young woman steps out.

    The son stares in amazement and asks, “Dad… what just happened?”

    The father leans over and whispers, “I’m not sure, son… but quick, go get your mother!”

  • The Worst Lover in the World

    A man and a woman are lying together in the afterglow following sex.

    The woman says, “You must be the worst lover in the world.”

    The man defensively replies, “Oh yeah? Well, how did you figure that out in fifteen seconds?”

  • The Smartest Pig in the World

    A journalist heard about an incredibly smart pig out in the country, so he decided to go and check it out.

    He arrives at the farm and meets the owner.
    “I’ve heard your pig is exceptionally intelligent,” the journalist says. “Could you tell me why?”

    “Well, I’ll tell ya,” the farmer replies. “The other day, my pregnant wife’s water broke all of a sudden. The pig saw it happen. He ran out into the yard, saw me working out in the field, and jumped up on the tractor. He started the engine and leaned on the horn as hard as he could. I heard the racket, rushed back to the house, and was able to get my wife to the hospital just in time.”

    “Wow, that’s truly impressive!” says the journalist.

    “Oh, but it gets even crazier! The other day, I was working on the grain auger. I don’t know what happened, but I must not have turned the tractor off right, because the auger started spinning. My hand got caught in it, and it started pulling me in. I thought for sure I was gonna lose my arm. But then, that pig came charging out. He jumped into the tractor, cut the ignition, and ran over to pull me free. Once my hand was out—it was pretty banged up—he reached into my pocket, grabbed my phone in his mouth, and I don’t know how he did it, but he dialed 911. I was able to talk to the paramedics; they got here fast and saved my arm.”

    Stunned, the journalist asks to see the pig.

    The farmer leads him over to the pen and shows him a pig with only three legs.

    The journalist, totally baffled, asks: “Wait, why does he only have three legs?”

    “Well, heck!” the farmer says. “A pig that smart? You don’t eat him all at once!”

  • Left Another Accordion

    I left my car unattended with my accordion on view in the front passenger seat. When I got back, someone had broken into my car

    and left another accordion.