Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door…
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “Have I upset you?”
A man and a woman meet in a bar, fall madly in love, and decide to get married a week later.
After the ceremony, the man looks to his new bride, and says, “I have a confession to make. I am completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe the game, it’s my obsession, and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”
The woman looks at her new husband and says, “Honey, I could never hate you. But, I also have a confession to make. I’m a hooker, and hope you won’t hate me for it, either.”
The man gets a rather tortured look on his face, rubs his chin, and after a few long moments says, “Ok, well, show me your stance.”
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question…
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab.
Then the driver said, “Look, mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologised and said, “I didn’t realise that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a “toy.”
Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”
The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter with her “toy.”
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The “toy” was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”
The husband replied, “I’m watching football with my son-in-law.”
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.” He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
“Yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.”
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
“What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 22, sir.”
“And her, what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.”
A woman answered the doorbell and a man was standing there with something wrapped in a bloodied towel.
The man said, “I’m terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat.”
The woman burst into tears.
The man tried to comfort her by saying, “I’d like to replace it.”
The woman wiped her eyes and said, “Really? How are you at catching mice?”
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.”
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
Tom replied, “I wasn’t.”
My grandfather said he’d never move into a retirement home.
He said, “Too expensive… and the food tastes like someone boiled sadness.”
Instead, he checked into a beachfront hotel.
We asked, “Grandpa, isn’t that even more expensive?”
He smiled and said, “Not really.
At the retirement home, I’d pay $200 a day for cold meatloaf and no visitors.
But here? For $150 a day, I get ocean views, room service, fresh towels, a pool…
…and suddenly all my grandkids remember I exist every weekend.”
Then he leaned back in his chair and delivered the final line like a mob boss:
“And if I die in the hotel lobby, the manager will actually look disappointed.
But at the nursing home? They just call it Tuesday.”
An Irish woman of a certain age went to see her doctor and asked if there was anything he could prescribe to help revive her husband’s love life.
“Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked.
“Not a hope,” she replied. “The man won’t even take a paracetamol.”
“No problem,” said the doctor. “Try what we call ‘Irish Viagra.’ Slip a tablet into his coffee. He’ll never notice it. Give it a go and ring me next week to let me know how you get on.”
Well, she didn’t even last the week before calling him back.
“Doctor!” she cried. “Faith and begorrah, it was awful! Absolutely terrible!”
“Really?” the doctor asked. “What happened?”
“Well, I did exactly what you said and dropped the tablet into his coffee. The effect was nearly instant. He leapt to his feet with a wild sparkle in his eye and his trousers bulging like a circus tent!”
The doctor said, “Good heavens.”
“Before I knew it, he swept the cups clean off the table, tore me clothes clean off me back, and took me there and then, right on the tabletop!”
“So why was it so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not good?”
“Good?” she shouted. “It was the best sex I’ve had in twenty-five years!” She paused dramatically.
“But I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”
