Neil was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. “What’s up Neil?” asked the bartender. “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTone: darkly humorous
Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Helpful Teacher at the Racetrack
Two elementary school teachers took their students to a racetrack.
During a bathroom break, one of the teachers took the boys to the restroom. Outside, one of the boys yelled, “Ma’am, we can’t reach the urinals!”
Out of options, the teacher went inside and lifted the boys up one by one. When she picked up the fourth boy, she was shocked to see he was incredibly well-endowed for an elementary schooler.
Trying to act natural, she smiled and guessed, “Wow, you must be in third grade, right?”
The guy looked confused and replied, “No, ma’am… I’m the jockey riding the favorite in the next race. Thanks for the lift, though.”
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Satan Meets His Match in Church
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY… for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?!”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for the last 48 years.”
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Two Irishmen at Sea
Two Irishmen lost at sea — they’d been out there for quite a few days, dehydrated and parched from the sun. They’re just watching the waves, trying to spot land, when one of them looks down and a bottle floats by.
Without even thinking, he grabs the bottle and wipes the label to see what it is, and all of a sudden a genie pops out and says, “You’ve released me from my prison, so I’m going to grant you just one wish — no more, no less!”
So the Irishman, without thinking it through, shouts, “Turn the entire ocean into a big vat of Guinness!”
The genie says, “Your wish is my command,” and turns the entire ocean into Guinness.
The second Irishman screams at the top of his lungs, “NO YOU IDIOT!!!! Now we have to piss in the boat!”
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The Wheelbarrow Bet
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
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The Ghost Car on a Dark Rainy Night
Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.
The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.
Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly coming towards him and as it drew level with him, it stopped.
Desperate for shelter and without really thinking about what he was doing, Bill got into the back seat of the car and closed the door.
That was when he realized there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t even on.
Mysteriously and soundlessly, the car started moving slowly forward. Bill looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Now he was scared, and he began to fear for his life.
But just before he reached the curve, a ghostly hand appeared through the window of the car, and turned the steering wheel.
Bill, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.
When he saw the lights of a pub down the road, Bill gathered all his courage and strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of whiskey. Shaking and half crying, he began telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just been through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he wasn’t drunk but was for real.
About 10 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet, and were out of breath.
Looking around and seeing Bill sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Hey Bruce… that’s the idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it.”
