Tone: humor
Humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Vices and Life: A Deadly Decision
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”
The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself! . His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said,
“You know if you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead!”
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Daily Grind: Adventures in Beer and Nature!
A man goes in for a physical, and the doctor asks him about his daily routine.
The man says, “Well, Doc, just yesterday afternoon I must’ve walked at least five miles. I waded up to my knees in a lake, drank three beers, outran a pack of wild dogs in the underbrush, drank another two beers, took a long, leisurely piss behind a tree, and stepped out of the way of an aggressive rattlesnake.
Drank another beer, crawled out of quicksand, stood in a poison ivy patch, drank another two beers, climbed up and down five steep hills, and took another leak behind a tree.”
The doctor, listening to all of this, is duly impressed. “Man, you must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”
“Nah, Doc,” the man says. “I’m just a shitty golfer.”
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Captain’s Secret Weapon: The Red Vest!
A merchant ship filled with gold is sailing in the Caribbean when the lookout in the crow’s nest suddenly cries out, “Pirate ship off the starboard bow!” The captain immediately orders, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”
A fierce battle follows, and the pirates are driven off.
The next day, the lookout calls again, “Pirate ship off the port bow!”
Without hesitation, the captain shouts, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”
Once more, the pirates are defeated.
Two days later, the lookout bellows, “Pirate ship dead ahead!”
The captain remains calm. “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”
Again, the pirates are beaten back.
After the fight, the first mate approaches the captain. “Begging your pardon, sir, but why do you always ask for your red vest when we’re under attack?” The captain replies, “So that if I am wounded in battle, the crew will not see my blood and lose heart.”
Three days later, the lookout’s voice rings out in alarm: “Three pirate ships off the starboard bow, the port bow, and dead ahead!”
The captain turns to his first mate and says, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my brown trousers.”
