Barbie really squirts
Tone: ironic
Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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What Do You Do With a Six-Foot Asshole
A state trooper pulls over a doctor for speeding.
The trooper walks up to the window and says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” The doctor replies, “No, officer.”
The trooper starts writing the ticket and, trying to make conversation, asks, “So, what do you do for a living?” The doctor says, “I’m a proctologist.” The trooper asks, “What’s a proctologist?” The doctor smiles and says, “I stretch assholes.”
The trooper looks puzzled. “You can actually stretch one?”
“Certainly,” says the doctor. “I can stretch one from about six inches all the way to six feet.”
The trooper asks, “What do you do with a six-foot asshole?”
The doctor replies, “You give him a radar gun and park him beside the highway.”
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I Don’t Want Them Fucking Your Mother
A son takes his elderly father to the doctor.
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, sir, but the outlook is grim. You have a rare form of cancer and you’ll be dead in a year.”
As they’re driving home, the father says, “You know, I’m not depressed. I’ve lived 75 great years. Tonight let’s go out and celebrate my good, long life!”
That night they’re at the bar and the father is surrounded by all of his friends and he says, “Yup, I’ve got AIDS. I’ll be dead in a year.”
At the end of the night, the son is driving his father home. He says, “Pop, you’ve got cancer. Why did you tell all your buddies you have AIDS?”
“Because after I’m dead, I don’t want them fucking your mother.”
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You Need to Stop Masturbating
A man goes to the doctor after not having been for over a decade.
The doctor walks into the examination room and says, “Alright, before we start the physical, I have the results of some of your preliminary blood work that I’d like to discuss — first off, you need to stop smoking.”
The man says, “Why? I can breathe fine.” And the doctor says, “Maybe, but your blood work is showing some signs of heart disease and smoking is going to make that worse. Now also, you’ll need to stop drinking.”
The man says, “Oh come on, doc, drinking with my buddies is my favorite thing!” And the doctor says, “That may be so, but your blood work is showing some potential liver damage, so you’ll need to quit. Now then, we can begin the examination.”
The doctor pulls out his stethoscope and puts it on the man’s chest. He abruptly pulls it away and says, “You need to stop masturbating.”
The man gets fed up and says, “Doc, come on! I can’t drink — sure, I get it. I can’t smoke — yeah, smoking’s bad for you. But what could masturbating be doing to my health?!”
The doctor replies, “It’s not doing anything bad for your health. I’m just trying to examine you.”
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We’ve Been Lucky So Far
Little Johnny and Sophia are only 12 years old, but they know they are madly in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Sophia’s father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Scaduto, me and Sophia are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Scaduto replies, “Well, Johnny, you are only 12. Where will you two live?”
Without a moment’s hesitation, Johnny replies, “In Sophia’s room. It’s a lot bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Mr. Scaduto says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Sophia.”
Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowances. Sophia makes $10 a week and I make $15 a week. Together that’s about $100 a month, so I figure that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Scaduto is duly impressed that Johnny has put so much thought into this.
“Well, Johnny, it sounds like you’ve got everything figured out. I just have one final question. What will you do if the two of you should happen to have little children of your own?”
Johnny shrugs and says, “Hey, we’ve been lucky so far!”
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Why Would Bob the Mailman Want That
A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”
“What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”
“That’s right,” says the first guy.
“Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”
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Talking Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “OK… so, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard.”
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Almost Every Night
Two elderly men were bragging about their sex lives while playing pool at the senior center.
One says to the other, “Can you still have sex with your wife?”
The other responds, “I still have sex with my wife about once a week. How many nights do you have sex with your wife?”
The first man says, “Oh, we do it almost every night of the week.”
“Incredible,” the other man repeated. “Almost every night?”
“Yep,” he responded. “Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday…”
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Why Did You Make Her So Stupid
One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve…
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you make her skin so much softer than mine?
God: So you would enjoy touching her.
Adam: And why did you make her smell so much better than me?
God: So you would want to be around her all the time. You see, Adam, I made Eve just for you, to make you happy.
Adam: Then why did you make her so stupid?
God: Well, Adam, if I had made her any smarter, she never would have slept with a guy like you.
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Asking for Aspirin While Winking
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem — he kept winking at the camera.
The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I’m afraid we won’t be able to hire you unless you get it under control.”
“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done.”
“Alright, show me,” said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. First, he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills. Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin, and the second take went without a single hitch.
The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, I’d hire you on the spot, except that we’re not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We’ve had too many sexual harassment suits.”
“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man. “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”
“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.
The man sighed, “Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin, and winking all the while?”
