A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTone: ironic
Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Talking Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “OK… so, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard.”
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The Detective Exam
A police officer is interviewing three recruits who are training to become detectives.
To test their observational skills, he shows the first recruit a photograph of a suspect for five seconds before hiding it.
“This is your suspect,” he says. “How would you recognize him?”
The first recruit answers, “Easy. We’d catch him right away because he only has one eye.”
The officer sighs. “That’s because I showed you his side profile.”
Trying again, he shows the same photo to the second recruit for five seconds. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”
The second recruit smiles confidently. “Even easier. He only has one ear.”
Now the officer is furious. “What’s wrong with you two? Of course he only has one eye and one ear. It’s a side-profile photo! Can’t either of you come up with a better answer?”
Completely exasperated, he turns to the third recruit. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” Then he adds, “And think carefully before you give me another ridiculous answer.”
The third recruit studies the photo for a moment. “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The officer blinks in surprise. He doesn’t actually know whether the suspect wears contacts.
“That’s… an interesting observation. Wait here while I check his file.”
A few minutes later, the officer returns with a huge smile. “Incredible! You’re right. The suspect really does wear contact lenses. How on earth did you figure that out?”
“Simple,” the third recruit replies. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
