Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • I Can Tell by the Voice

    A guy comes home completely drunk, and his wife is furious. “How much have you had to drink this time?” she says.

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    “Nothing,” mumbles the guy.

    “Listen to me, you liar!” she shouts. “It’s either me or the goddamn bar. Which is it?”

    And the guy says, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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  • Ana o Machigaeta

    A businessman was both nervous and excited about an upcoming trip to Japan for a series of meetings at the home office. While there he would be playing golf with the president of the company.

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    The man was so nervous the night before leaving his Japanese wife… did what wives often do to calm their husband’s nerves before a big trip… Let’s just say that in the throes of marital passion her English often escaped her…

    That night she said, “Ana o machigaeta” in a particularly intense voice. Her husband thought, “Whoa! It must be going really well!”

    The next day he boarded his plane. The day after he was on the golf course with the company’s president. They got to about the 9th hole. The president hit a hole in one! The man, while trying to learn Japanese, wasn’t that confident yet… So remembering what his wife said the other night, he blurted out, “Ana o machigaeta!”

    The president turning to look at him, replied, “What you mean ‘wrong hole?’”

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  • The Lie Detector Robot Is Now for Sale

    A dad bought a lie-detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

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    He decided to test it out at dinner.

    Dad asked his son, “What did you do this afternoon?”

    The son replied, “I did my homework.”

    SLAP!

    “Okay, okay,” the son said. “I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

    Dad asked, “What movie?”

    “Toy Story.”

    SLAP!

    “Alright, alright,” the son admitted. “We were watching adult movies.”

    Dad snapped, “What?! At your age, I didn’t even know what those were!”

    SLAP!

    Mom burst out laughing and said, “Well, he certainly is your son!”

    SLAP!

    The robot is now for sale.

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  • Can I Have One of That Too

    A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

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    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

    The Irishman, holding his drink tight, looked at the attendant and said, “Can I have one of that too.”

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  • Talking to a Fucking Wall

    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

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    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    “Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”

    “Morris Fishbein,” he replied.

    “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

    “For about 60 years.”

    “60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

    “I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

    “How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

    “Like I’m talking to a fuckin’ wall.”

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  • Signing My Dogs Up for Welfare

    This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

    My dogs get their first checks Friday.

    Damn, this is a great country.

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  • It’s Rust

    After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

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    “Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”

    “Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”

    “It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”

    “Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”

    The man seemed a bit ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”

    “Well, there you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”

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  • The Top 16 Lesser Known Paths to the Dark Side

    The Top 16 Lesser Known Paths to the Dark Side

    16. “Mr. Lucas — can I show you the preliminary sketches for my ‘Cute Gungan’ character?”

    15. Do tequila shots while watching the Home Shopping Network.

    14. At only $3.99, that Yanni CD is just too cheap to pass up. I mean, that’s practically FREE, man.

    13. Hide your evil corporate doings behind the smiling face of a cartoon mouse.

    12. “Whitney and Bobby, I now pronounce you man and wife.”

    11. On a dare, watch a muted “Gigli” while listening to William Hung’s latest album.

    10. Try to pay for more than 10 power converters in the Tashi Station express lane.

    9. You feel an other-worldly presence inspiring you as you introduce Paris Hilton to Kato Kaelin.

    8. Puns.

    7. Your senior thesis: “John Wilkes Booth: American Patriot.”

    6. Return to your childhood for inspiration in choosing your post-Jedi name, “Darth Blankie.”

    5. “An interest-free loan? Oh man, Mr. Gotti, you’re a life-saver!”

    4. A seemingly innocent pairing of Martha Stewart bed linens with Christopher Lowell pillow shams.

    3. Tentatively decide to approach Ted Nugent with your idea for curbing the neighborhood’s population of stray pets.

    2. “I love your hair, Mr. Trump.”

    1. Offer your services to Death Row Records as house grammarian.

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  • Multitasking

    My wife told me women can multitask better than men…

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    I said to her, “No, they can’t, and I can prove it.”

    She said, “OK, prove it.”

    I said, “Shut the fuck up, and cook my breakfast.”

    She couldn’t do either one.

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  • I Don’t Know How I’m Going to Pay You

    The young man was obsessed by the beautiful secretary in his office. He just had to kiss her and touch her body and…

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    One day, he plucked up the courage to speak to her. “I think you’re so gorgeous, if I paid you $250, would you come into the storeroom with me so that I can kiss you and rub my hands up and down your body?”

    Now the girl liked money a lot, so she agreed and they disappeared into the storeroom. For the next 10 minutes, he showered her with kisses, unbuttoning her blouse and ravishing her breasts, but all the time, he kept murmuring, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”

    Eventually, she asked, “Why do you keep saying ‘I don’t know’?”

    “Well, I don’t know how I’m going to pay you.”

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