Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Pipe Down or You’ll Get Us Both Fired

    A gorilla at the zoo dies of old age just before opening time. He was the star attraction — the one animal everybody came to see.

    The zoo can’t afford a new gorilla right away, so the owner makes a quiet offer to one of the workers: “We’ve got an old gorilla costume in storage. If you put it on and act like the gorilla for a while, I’ll pay you an extra $100 a day.”

    The worker agrees, puts on the suit, and goes into the enclosure. To his surprise, the visitors love him. He pounds his chest, swings around, and soon crowds are showing up just to see this “amazingly life-like” gorilla.

    After a month, though, the excitement starts to die down. So he decides to put on a little stunt. He climbs to the top of the enclosure, swings over into the neighboring lion habitat… and hangs from the safety net above it!

    A huge crowd gathers — gasping and pointing.

    Then — his hands slip. He falls right into the lions’ den.

    Panicking, he starts yelling, “HELP! Somebody help me! I’m not really a gorilla!”

    Suddenly, a massive lion leaps onto him, pinning him to the ground.

    The lion leans in close and whispers, “Pipe down, buddy… or you’ll get us both fired.”

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  • Little Johnny Sells Toothbrushes

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning, all excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something and then give a short talk about their sales strategy.

    Little Sally went first. “I sold Girl Scout cookies,” she said proudly. “I made $30. My approach was to appeal to people’s kindness!”

    “Excellent,” said the teacher.

    Little Mary went next. “I sold magazines. I made $45. I told people that magazines help them keep up with the news.”

    “Very good, Mary,” said the teacher.

    Finally, it was Little Johnny’s turn. He walked to the front, dumped a shoebox full of cash on the teacher’s desk, and said, “$2,467.”

    The teacher nearly fainted. “$2,467?! Johnny, what on earth were you selling?”

    “Toothbrushes,” Johnny replied.

    “Toothbrushes?! How could you sell that many?”

    Johnny grinned. “Well, I went to the busiest corner in town and set up a table with a sign that said ‘Free Sample.’ I handed everyone a chip dipped in a little brown mixture. Every single person said the same thing: ‘Eww! That tastes like dog food!’”

    “Then I said, ‘It sure does!… Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’”

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  • Read My Lips — POSSE

    An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

    The chief says to the cowboy, “You’re going to die. But we’re sorry for you, so we’ll give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown on the third day, you die. What first wish?”

    The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.”

    The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back.

    The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

    The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man… only thinks one thing.”

    The second day, the chief says, “What wish today?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the back.

    Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

    The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man going to die tomorrow… can only think one thing.”

    The last day comes, and the chief says, “This last wish, white man. What want?”

    The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”

    The Indians bring him his horse.

    The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips, you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”

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  • Ten Cent Beer

    A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

    The bartender says, “Sure thing — that’ll be ten cents.”

    “Ten cents?!” the man says, stunned. He looks at the menu and asks, “Alright… what about a big steak dinner and a nice bottle of wine?”

    “That’ll be a dollar,” the bartender replies.

    “A dollar?! This is the best deal I’ve ever seen! Where’s the owner of this bar?”

    The bartender points upstairs and says, “He’s up there… with my wife.”

    The man frowns and asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

    The bartender shrugs and says, “Same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

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  • Call the Coroner

    A prostitute at a brothel dies during intercourse.

    The man runs downstairs, crying, “My God, she’s dead! What am I going to do?”

    The Madam intercepts him. “Now just keep cool,” she says, “and I’ll call the coroner.”

    “The coroner? What for? I can’t fuck him!”

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  • O’Brien’s Dog Was a Catholic

    O’Brien lived alone in the Irish countryside for many years, with just his dog for company.

    One day, the dog died, and O’Brien went to see Father Mullaney, the parish priest.

    “Father, me darlin’ pup has passed on. I was wonderin’, could ya be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”

    “Ah, I’m afraid not, we can’t be havin’ services for an animal in the church. But there’s a few Baptists down the road and there’s no tellin’ what they’re believin’ in. Maybe they’ll do somethin’ for the poor creature.”

    “I’ll be headin’ off straight away, Father. Do ye think five grand would be enough to donate for the service?”

    “Sweet Mary, mother o’ Jesus! Why didn’t ye tell me the dog was a bleedin’ Catholic?”

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  • The Medical Student’s Diagnosis

    While making his rounds, a doctor points to an X-ray and addresses a group of medical students.

    “As you can see,” he says, “this patient limps because his left tibia and fibula are severely bowed.”

    The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

    “Well,” says the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

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  • Little Johnny and the Pastor

    Little Johnny was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

    As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

    The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”

    The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday — I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

    Little Johnny replied with a chuckle, “You’re bullshitting me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”

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  • The Hamster and the Singing Frog

    A mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

    The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

    The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

    “Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

    The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”

    The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

    “Money or another miracle, else no drink,” says the bartender.

    The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch — a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

    The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”

    “Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

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  • The Pain Transfer Machine

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

    Upon their arrival, the doctor explained that he had invented a new machine that could transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.

    He asked if they would be willing to try it. Both of them were enthusiastic about the idea.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to start, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the husband had ever experienced before.

    As the labor progressed, however, the husband felt perfectly fine and asked the doctor to increase it.

    The doctor adjusted the machine to transfer 20% of the pain.

    The husband still felt great.

    Amazed, the doctor checked his blood pressure and found everything completely normal.

    Since he was handling it so well, they decided to increase the transfer to 50%.

    The husband continued to feel comfortable, and the pain relief was helping the wife considerably.

    Encouraged by the results, the husband told the doctor to go ahead and transfer all of the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no discomfort.

    She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

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