Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”
“What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”
“That’s right,” says the first guy.
“Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “OK… so, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard.”
Two elderly men were bragging about their sex lives while playing pool at the senior center.
One says to the other, “Can you still have sex with your wife?”
The other responds, “I still have sex with my wife about once a week. How many nights do you have sex with your wife?”
The first man says, “Oh, we do it almost every night of the week.”
“Incredible,” the other man repeated. “Almost every night?”
“Yep,” he responded. “Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday…”
One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve…
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you make her skin so much softer than mine?
God: So you would enjoy touching her.
Adam: And why did you make her smell so much better than me?
God: So you would want to be around her all the time. You see, Adam, I made Eve just for you, to make you happy.
Adam: Then why did you make her so stupid?
God: Well, Adam, if I had made her any smarter, she never would have slept with a guy like you.
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem — he kept winking at the camera.
The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I’m afraid we won’t be able to hire you unless you get it under control.”
“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done.”
“Alright, show me,” said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. First, he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills. Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin, and the second take went without a single hitch.
The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, I’d hire you on the spot, except that we’re not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We’ve had too many sexual harassment suits.”
“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man. “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”
“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.
The man sighed, “Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin, and winking all the while?”
Taoism — Shit happens.
Buddhism — If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam — If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism — Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism — Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism — This shit happened before.
Catholicism — Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna — Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism — Send more shit.
Atheism — No shit.
Jehovah’s Witness — Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism — There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science — Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism — Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism — Let’s smoke this shit.
Existentialism — What is shit anyway?
Stoicism — This shit doesn’t bother me.
One day, while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, ma’am. Could I see your driver’s license?”
“What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
“Now, may I see your registration?” asked the cop.
“Registration… what’s that?” asked the blonde.
“It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”
“Yes,” replied the officer.
“Is she a drop-dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher.
“Uh… yes,” replied the cop.
“Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”
“What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate,” exclaimed the cop.
“Trust me. Just do it,” said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs, “Ohh no… not another breathalyser…”
A police officer is interviewing three recruits who are training to become detectives.
To test their observational skills, he shows the first recruit a photograph of a suspect for five seconds before hiding it.
“This is your suspect,” he says. “How would you recognize him?”
The first recruit answers, “Easy. We’d catch him right away because he only has one eye.”
The officer sighs. “That’s because I showed you his side profile.”
Trying again, he shows the same photo to the second recruit for five seconds. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”
The second recruit smiles confidently. “Even easier. He only has one ear.”
Now the officer is furious. “What’s wrong with you two? Of course he only has one eye and one ear. It’s a side-profile photo! Can’t either of you come up with a better answer?”
Completely exasperated, he turns to the third recruit. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” Then he adds, “And think carefully before you give me another ridiculous answer.”
The third recruit studies the photo for a moment. “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The officer blinks in surprise. He doesn’t actually know whether the suspect wears contacts.
“That’s… an interesting observation. Wait here while I check his file.”
A few minutes later, the officer returns with a huge smile. “Incredible! You’re right. The suspect really does wear contact lenses. How on earth did you figure that out?”
“Simple,” the third recruit replies. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A man walks into a pharmacy and spends several minutes wandering up and down the aisles. Eventually, a clerk asks if he needs any help.
“I’m looking for a box of tampons for my wife,” he says.
The clerk points him to the right aisle.
A few minutes later, the man returns carrying a giant bag of cotton balls and a spool of string, then sets them on the counter.
The clerk looks puzzled. “Sir, I don’t mean to be nosy, and feel free not to answer, but I thought you were buying tampons for your wife.”
“You see,” the man says, “yesterday I sent my wife to the store for a carton of cigarettes. She came home with a tin of tobacco and a pack of rolling papers because, according to her, ‘It’s soooo much cheaper.’
“So if I have to roll my own, so does she.”
