Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A woman answered the doorbell and a man was standing there with something wrapped in a bloodied towel.
The man said, “I’m terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat.”
The woman burst into tears.
The man tried to comfort her by saying, “I’d like to replace it.”
The woman wiped her eyes and said, “Really? How are you at catching mice?”
A man was sitting on the side of the bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked her what she would like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she said, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park… the death slide, the wall of fear, the screaming roller coaster… just to name a few.
Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s! What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and fell into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile, “What was it like to be eight again?”
She opened her eyes, and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!”
Moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s going to get it wrong.
Back in Soviet Russia there was a man working in a Siberian coal mine.
Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home and the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables.
The security guard never found anything so he’d let the man reload the dirt and go home.
This went on for 25 years until the man was finally allowed to retire.
On his last day the security guard said, “I know you’ve been smuggling something out of here all of these years. Please, just tell me what it was.”
The man replied with a sly wink, “Wheelbarrows.”
A smart-assed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”
Two retired New York businessmen run into each other in Florida.
After the usual greetings, the second one asked the first guy, “What happened to your business?” The first guy answers, “Competition started eating into my profits. There was a fire that destroyed the business so I decided to take the insurance money and retire. What about your business?” The second guy says, “Similar to you but I had a flood destroy my business.” The first man asks, “How do you arrange a flood?”
Three women got into a car accident. They all died. When they got to the gates of heaven, a saint stopped them and said, “There is only one rule in heaven – don’t step on the holy ducks.” They nodded and the saint let them through. Entering heaven, to their surprise, there were ducks everywhere.
“Holy duck!” one of them exclaimed.
They all tried their best not to step on one, but the number of ducks was unreal. Two days later, one of them stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared, bringing along the ugliest man that her eyes had witnessed. The saint said, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is being tied to this man for the rest of eternity,” and walked away.
Two weeks later, a second woman also stepped on a duck. The same saint appeared and she got the same punishment.
The remaining one, seeing the fates of her friends, got super careful. She managed to go months without stepping on one. Then one day, the saint appeared again, bringing with him the most beautiful man describable, and tied them together without saying anything and left.
The woman was staring at her new man. The man said, “What?”
The woman said, “I wonder what I did to deserve being tied to such a handsome man.”
The man sighed and replied, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Wife approaches her husband while he is reading a book.
“Promise me you won’t get mad,” the wife whispered, her eyes fixed on the floor.
Her husband looked up from his book. “I promise. What’s going on?”
“And you won’t hit me?” she pressed.
The husband laughed, pulled her close, and said, “I have never laid a hand on you and I never will. You can tell me anything.”
She closed her eyes and braced herself for a slap. “I’m pregnant.”
“That’s incredible news!” Husband shouted, over the moon. “Why would you think I’d be angry about that?”
Wife wiped her brow and said, “I guess I’m just traumatized. Because when I told my mom the same thing in the 9th grade, she nearly killed me.”
Four brothers left home for college — one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a scientist, and one an entertainer. They all went on to be very successful.
When their elderly mother was living alone, each son decided to give her a special gift.
Years later, the brothers were talking about what they had done for her.
The first said, “I had a beautiful, large house built for Mama.”
The second said, “I installed a state-of-the-art home theater — cost a small fortune.”
The third said, “I bought her a brand-new luxury car with a full-time chauffeur.”
The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mama loves reading the Bible — and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. It took 12 scholars and 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 20 years, but it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name the book, chapter, and verse.”
A few weeks later, Mom sent out her thank-you notes.
To the first son, she wrote: “The house you built is enormous. I live in one room, but I have to clean the whole thing. Thank you, dear.”
To the second son, she wrote: “The theater is lovely, but I don’t hear well anymore and I can barely see. Thank you anyway.”
To the third son, she wrote: “The car is beautiful, but I rarely go anywhere. I mostly stay home. Thank you all the same.”
And to the fourth son, she wrote: “You were the only one who truly put thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious.”
Little Johnny wanted a $200 bike, but his dad shut him down fast:
“Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage and I just got fired. No bike. Period.”
Two days later, Johnny is at the front door with a suitcase, looking like he’s moving to Mexico.
His dad asks, “Where the heck are you going?”
Johnny looks him dead in the eye and says:
“Look, I walked past your bedroom this morning. I heard you tell Mom you were ‘pulling out,’ and Mom said she was ‘coming too.’ Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m leaving now because I’ll be damned if I’m the only one left here to pay off that $80,000 mortgage!”
