Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • What the Hell Is a Pinata

    Al and Joe are bungee jumping one day.

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    Al says to Joe, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don’t have it there.”

    Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

    They travel to Mexico and begin setting up in the square. As they construct the tower, a crowd assembles. More and more people gather to watch.

    When they finish, the crowd is so large they decide to give a demonstration.

    Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices cuts and scratches.

    Joe fails to catch him. Al falls again, bounces, and comes up bruised and bleeding. Joe misses him again.

    Al falls once more and bounces back up, this time badly injured with broken bones and nearly unconscious. Joe finally catches him and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

    Barely able to speak, Al gasps, “No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?”

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  • I Thought Ye Said a Protestant

    An Irish daughter left home for 5 years and returns.

    When she returns, her Father curses her badly.

    “Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

    The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”

    “Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

    “OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera.”

    “What was it ye said ye had become?”, says Dad.

    Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!”

    “Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”

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  • I Have a Gun and I Know How to Use It

    An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

    The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

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  • Whatd You Do With the Boat

    A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience changed every week, so he repeated the same tricks.

    The only problem was the captain’s parrot, who saw every show and figured out the secrets.

    In the middle of performances, the parrot would shout: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “He’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

    The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything about the captain’s bird.

    One day the ship sank. The magician ended up on a piece of wood in the ocean… with the parrot right beside him.

    They stared at each other in silence for days. Finally, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

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  • In That Case Ill Take Two

    A contractor wanted to give a politician a sports car. The politician objected saying, “My basic sense of ethics would never permit me to accept a gift like that.”

    The contractor said, “I quite understand. Suppose we do this: I’ll sell you the car for ten dollars.”

    The politician thought for a minute and said, “In that case I’ll take two.”

    And that’s how things are in Congress today!

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  • Im William the Little Bastards Name Is Kevin

    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandad says in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.”

    Another outburst, and she hears him calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

    At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again, “William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”

    Impressed, she approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. You kept your composure the whole time, calmly saying things would be okay no matter how loud and disruptive he got. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

    “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I’m William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

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  • But Your Client Didnt

    A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.

    There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

    In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

    “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

    He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

    A minute passed. Nothing happened.

    Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

    The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

    A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

    Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

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  • Bald Bitches

    Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.

    Husband: Okay?

    Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.

    Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?

    Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.

    Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.

    Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.

    Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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  • The Jumping Table

    A man walked into a small-town antique store looking for a dining table.

    Right away, he spotted the perfect one and asked the owner how much it cost.

    “Two thousand dollars,” the owner said.

    “Two thousand? That’s outrageous!” the man replied.

    “Normally I’d agree,” said the owner, “but this isn’t an ordinary table. It has special powers.”

    “Special powers? Prove it,” the man said.

    The owner leaned over the table and asked, “How many floors are in this building?”

    The table suddenly hopped into the air four times.

    And sure enough, there were four floors.

    The man raised an eyebrow.

    “Alright,” he said, “ask it how much cash I’ve got in my wallet.”

    The owner asked the question.

    The table jumped eleven times.

    “That’s amazing!” the man said. “I’ve got two five-dollar bills and a single. That’s eleven dollars exactly. I’ll take it.”

    He paid the two thousand dollars, and the table was delivered the next day.

    While it was being set up, his buddy stopped by to see the new purchase.

    “It’s not just a table,” the man said proudly. “Watch this.”

    He cleared his throat and asked, “How much money does my wife have in her bank account?”

    The table went wild.

    It started bouncing up and down nonstop.

    Five minutes passed.

    Then ten.

    It was still going.

    The man stared in disbelief.

    “How on earth does she have that much money?” he muttered.

    Suddenly, the table gave one last violent jump.

    Its legs split apart.

    And the drawers dropped straight to the floor.

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  • Bridge Out

    A priest and pastor are standing on the side of the road. They are holding a sign that reads, “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”

    A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” And speeds past them.

    From around the corner they can hear screeching tires — then a big splash.

    The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put a sign up that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

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