Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Get Treatment for 20 Dollars

    A Chinese doctor moved to the U.S., but couldn’t land a job at a hospital. So, he decided to open his own little clinic and hung a sign outside that read:

    “Get treatment for $20 — If not cured, get $100 back!”

    One day, an American lawyer saw the sign and thought, “Easy money!” So he walked in.

    Lawyer: “Doc, I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

    Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22. Put three drops in the patient’s mouth.”

    Lawyer: “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”

    Doctor: “Congrats, your taste is back! That’ll be $20.”

    Annoyed but not giving up, the lawyer returned a few days later.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember a thing.”

    Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put three drops in his mouth.”

    Lawyer: “Hey — that’s kerosene! You gave me this last time!”

    Doctor: “Congrats, your memory’s back! That’ll be $20.”

    Now fuming, the lawyer came back one last time, determined to win the $100.

    Lawyer: “Doc, my eyesight is so bad — I can’t see a thing!”

    Doctor: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any medicine for that. Here’s your $100.”

    The doctor handed him a $20 bill.

    Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait! This is only $20, not $100!”

    Doctor: “Congrats, your eyesight’s restored! That’ll be $20.”

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  • But You Were 147 Votes Short

    Famous dentist Sam and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

    Sam looked at his wife’s face for a moment and asked, “Darling, did you ever cheat on me in these fifty years?”

    The woman, quite surprised by her husband’s question, remained silent for a while.

    “If my answer is yes, wouldn’t your opinion of me change? Do you still want to know despite everything?”

    “No, my love, it wouldn’t change, and I really do want to know. Please tell me.”

    “Since you want to learn, yes, darling, I cheated on you three times,” the woman replied.

    “Who were these people?” Sam asked.

    “The first one,” the woman began to explain, “remember when you were 30 years old and wanted to open your own clinic, but no bank manager would give you a loan? Then one bank manager came to the house. Without asking anything, he had you sign all the papers, and you were able to open your clinic with ultra-modern equipment. Do you remember?”

    “Ahhh, my darling. So you sacrificed yourself for me, my dear wife,” Sam said. “And the second one?”

    “Remember when you had a heart attack at 39, and you needed critical bypass surgery, but no doctor had the courage to do it? You could have died any moment. Dr. Halery got up from all that distance, came, performed your surgery, and brought you back to life,” his wife said.

    “Ahhh, my beloved wife, so you sacrificed yourself once more to save my life, is that right? And the third infidelity?”

    “Do you remember? Years ago, you were 43 and wanted to become the president of the dentists’ chamber, but you were 147 votes short…”

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  • The Word Is Sternum

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

    “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”

    “We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap a wire around it to hold it in place.”

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

    “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

    He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.

    “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

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  • Ill Wait for the State Trooper

    In the middle of the night, a retired Marine is driving from Dallas to Houston, while an Army paratrooper is heading from Houston to Dallas. There’s not another car on the highway when they crash head-on, sending both trucks spinning off in opposite directions. Metal crunches, airbags pop, and everything goes silent.

    The Marine climbs out of his wrecked pickup, looks at the twisted steel, and shakes his head. “Man… I’m lucky to be alive,” he mutters, brushing himself off. He can’t believe he walked away without a scratch.

    The paratrooper crawls out of his SUV and stares at the damage. “I don’t know how I survived that,” he says, looking up at the sky. Both men realize it could’ve been a whole lot worse.

    The Marine walks over and says, “You know, maybe this is a sign. Instead of teasing each other about which branch is tougher, maybe we ought to call it even and be friends.”

    The paratrooper thinks for a second, then nods. “You’re right. Life’s too short.”

    The Marine says, “Let me see if anything else survived.” He checks the back of his truck and finds a full, unopened bottle of good Kentucky bourbon. Holding it up, he grins. “Seems like another sign we should toast to our new friendship.”

    “Well, I won’t argue with that,” the paratrooper laughs. He takes the bottle and drinks nearly half of it in one go. Wiping his mouth, he hands it back. “Smooth stuff. Your turn!”

    The Marine calmly screws the cap back on the bottle and tucks it under his arm. “Nah,” he says with a smile. “I think I’ll wait for the state trooper.”

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  • Unconscious For A Third Favorite Part

    Unconscious For A Third Favorite Part

  • Exactly Where Is Larrys Bar

    A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

    “Relax,” says the doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

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  • Tickets Please

    Three retired NASA engineers and three IRS accountants are taking an Amtrak train to a conference in Chicago.

    At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and notice the three engineers buying only one.

    “How are three grown men going to ride on one ticket?” one accountant asks.

    “Just watch,” one of the engineers says with a grin.

    They board the train. The accountants sit in their seats while the engineers squeeze into a restroom and lock the door.

    Soon the conductor walks through the carriage calling, “Tickets, please!” He knocks on the restroom door. The door cracks open and a single hand sticks out holding one ticket. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The accountants nod at each other, impressed.

    After the conference, the accountants decide to try the same trick on the way home. This time they proudly buy just one ticket.

    To their surprise, the engineers don’t buy any at all.

    “How are you riding without a ticket?” an accountant whispers.

    “Just watch,” the engineer replies.

    On the train ride back, the accountants pile into one restroom and the engineers slip into another.

    The train pulls out of the station. A few minutes later, one of the engineers quietly steps out of his restroom. He walks over to the accountants’ door and knocks.

    In his best official voice he says, “Tickets, please.”

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  • You Didnt Tell Me You Had a Prescription

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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  • The Worlds Smartest Man Just Jumped Out With My School Backpack

    There are four people on an airplane: The pilot, the President of the United States, the world’s smartest man, and a student from a local school.

    Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

    “I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a problem with the engine. We’re going down!”

    Everyone prepares to evacuate, but there’s a problem. There are only three parachutes. One person will have to stay behind.

    The President says, “I’m the President. My country needs me!” He grabs a parachute, straps it on, and jumps out.

    The world’s smartest man says, “I’m the smartest man in the world. I must survive for the sake of my great inventions!” He grabs a bag from the same area, puts it on his back, and jumps out.

    Now only the pilot and the student remain, and there appears to be just one parachute left.

    “Well,” says the pilot, “you take it. I suppose the captain goes down with his ship.”

    “Actually,” says the student, “there are two parachutes.”

    The pilot looks confused. “How?”

    “The world’s smartest man just jumped out with my school backpack.”

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