Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Pope at the Gates of Heaven

    The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven…

    He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

    St. Peter: “Yes? How can I help you?”

    Pope: “I want to speak with God.”

    St. Peter: “And you are?”

    Pope, frustrated: “I’m the Pope!”

    St. Peter: “Doesn’t ring a bell.”

    Pope, very angry: “I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!”

    St. Peter closes the Gate and goes to God.

    St. Peter: “My Lord, there is someone who wants to talk with you.”

    God: “Who?”

    St. Peter: “He calls himself the Pope.”

    God: “Who is that supposed to be?”

    St. Peter: “I don’t know, what should we do with him?”

    God: “Let Jesus talk with him, he spent some time down there.”

    Jesus goes to the Pope.

    A few minutes later Jesus returns laughing like there is no tomorrow.

    God: “What’s so funny, Jesus?”

    Jesus: “Father, you won’t believe this — that fishing club I founded 2,000 years ago, it still exists!”

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  • How to Wave a Blanket

    An old Australian farmer marries the beautiful twenty-year-old daughter of a neighbouring farmer. After a week or two of regular sex, the farmer can’t seem to make the young woman climax. There is no doctor in the nearby town so he goes to visit the veterinarian and explains the situation.

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    The vet thinks for a little while and then says, “While I am not a human doctor, when farmers can’t get their cows excited for the bull, it’s usually on a very hot day like it is now. The farmer will wave a large blanket over the cow, which seems to get her into the mood.”

    The old farmer thinks for a while and decides to hire a young man from the town to wave the blanket while he makes love to his beautiful young wife.

    The young man dutifully waves the blanket over the copulating couple but after about ten minutes she remains unimpressed.

    Perturbed by now, the old farmer says to the young man, “Let’s swap places and see what happens.” The farmer then starts waving the blanket vigorously and soon his beautiful young wife begins to climax numerous times.

    The old man drops the blanket and proudly yells, “That, my boy, is how you wave a fuckin’ blanket.”

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  • Is There Baseball in Heaven

    Two elderly Jews, Abe and Solomon, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons, and talking about baseball, like they do every single day.

    Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

    Sol thinks about this for a minute, and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you can do the same for me.”

    They shake on it, and sadly, a couple of months later, Abe passes on.

    One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

    Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

    “Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

    Sol, still amazed, asks, “So… Is there baseball in heaven?”

    “Well,” says Abe, “there’s good news, and there’s bad news.”

    “Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

    Abe says, “Well, I can tell you that there IS baseball in heaven!”

    Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that???”

    Abe sighs sadly, and whispers, “You’re pitching for us on Friday…”

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  • Uncle Terrence Names the Twins

    Harry was deployed in the military when his pregnant wife Suzie was expecting to give birth.

    Harry was worried about the logistics of it all and how Suzie would handle the birth as they were pretty far from their family and didn’t have anyone they could reliably ask for help.

    Harry decided to ask his family if they could send someone to help Suzie.

    “Your brother Terrence will be available, let’s ask him,” Harry’s mom suggested on the phone.

    “Mom, Terrence couldn’t tell his left foot from his right one, he once punched a mirror because he thought his own reflection was someone else. I don’t want that idiot near my kids,” Harry replied.

    “Nonsense, that was years ago, he’s doing much better now. He’s great with instructions and will do all that the doctors say,” his mom replied, and so Harry reluctantly agreed.

    On the fateful day, Suzie called Harry and told him she felt her water breaking and was rushing to the hospital. Harry called up his brother Terrence and asked him to accompany Suzie and do what the doctors said.

    Over the next few days Harry only got brief updates from Terrence with messages like “under control” and “don’t worry.”

    6 days later Harry finally got Terrence on the phone and asked him for the good news.

    “There’s good news and bad news,” Terrence said.

    “What’s the bad news?” Harry asked.

    “Suzie is still at the hospital and the doctors say she’ll need a few days to come around,” replied Terrence.

    “And the good news?” Harry asked tentatively.

    “You got twins, they’re both healthy, but there’s better news.”

    Harry let out a large sigh of relief. “Ok, what’s the better news?”

    “They’re a boy and a girl. Mom came over today and we got the kids home. But there’s even better news,” Terrence replied.

    Harry was relieved but puzzled. “What’s the better news now?”

    “I got to name them,” Terrence said happily.

    Harry groaned loudly and angrily asked, “Did you name my son Denephew?”

    “No no, I named him Harrison,” Terrence replied.

    “Ok that’s not so bad,” Harry replied, but then immediately yelped, “WAIT, did you name my daughter Harridaughter?”

    “Of course not,” replied Terrence confidently. “I named her Ford.”

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  • Home in Time for Dinner

    Decided to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!

    I should be home in time for dinner.

  • Perfect Eyesight on the Golf Course

    Jimmy is a 78-year-old retiree who has played golf every day for nearly 20 years. He arrives home from the course and he’s quite dejected. He tells his bride that he’s gonna hang up the sticks as he can no longer see his ball after he takes a swing, and it really makes him upset!

    His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

    “That’s no good,” sighs the dejected retiree, “your brother is 85 years old! He can’t help.”

    “He may be 85,” says the patient wife, “but his eyesight is nearly perfect.”

    So the next day Jimmy heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees it up on the first hole, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway, and immediately asks the brother-in-law, “Did you see the ball?”

    “Of course I did!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

    “Where did it go?” Jimmy asks.

    “I don’t remember.”

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  • The Pastor and the Post Office

    A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies’ room of the gas station…

    As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

    The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It’s on the left.”

    The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

    The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office.”

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  • The Golf Mulligan

    A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    She’s covered in blood from a head wound and my friend immediately starts looking her over right there in the lobby of the emergency room to find her wound.

    Trying to remain calm he asks, “What happened here, sir?”

    The husband is in a panic and totally exhausted from carrying her dead weight from the parking area, and is just stumbling over his words and rambling all over the place as he tries to explain.

    “Well, me and my wife have been married for 35 years and every Saturday morning since our wedding day we’ve played a round of golf together. You see her dad was a local golf pro…”

    “Sir, please try to focus here. How did your wife get injured?”

    “Sorry. So I play from the men’s tees, she plays from the women’s tees, and she normally drops me off in the cart before heading over to her tee box, and waits for me to hit and then I walk over to her.”

    “Sir!” My buddy’s getting frustrated, because he’s really struggling with the wound, there’s a lot of blood, and he’s working frantically at this point.

    “I’m explaining it to you, son! So anyways she drops me off like always and I set up for my drive and I thinned it! I never thin it! Never! But, TODAY, I thinned it! Lo and behold that ball had eyes for my dear wife, Agnes’ head. I yell ‘Fore!’ but she wasn’t looking and boom! Straight to the back of her head!”

    He just starts weeping at this point, clearly overcome by guilt.

    Finally my buddy finds the cause of the bleeding but he’s confused.

    “Sir, I actually see two injuries here.”

    The old man dries his eyes, instantly gains his composure, and states matter of factly, “Well I had to take a mulligan.”

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  • A Quick 9 Holes

    A guy and his wife had their 27th wedding anniversary last Sunday.

    He said, “Honey, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, and have an awesome evening planned for the two of us. But would it be alright if I got in a quick 9 holes first?”

    She replies, “Of course. Go have some fun!”

    He goes to the golf course and decides to have a beer before teeing it up. A very attractive blonde comes up to him at the bar and says, “I’ve had my eye on you for years. Forget golf for today, chug your beer, and we’re going back to my place!”

    She’s not going to take no for an answer, drags him back to her house, and screws his brains out!

    The man, feeling extremely remorseful, decides that he has to tell his wife about his infidelity, and he returns home.

    The GPS shows that his house is right around the corner from where he cheated on his wife, and he realizes that he just slept with his neighbor!

    He walks through the door and tells his wife, “Honey, I have to tell you something. I didn’t end up playing golf today. I haven’t been faithful to you, and actually ended up sleeping with Jennifer from two streets away.”

    His wife replied, “Bullshit! You rat bastard, you played 18 holes, didn’t you!”

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  • How To Get Welfare Wish I Could Read

    How To Get Welfare Wish I Could Read