Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A kid asks his dad, “My English teacher says that it’s important to have a good vocabulary. Is that true?”
And his dad says, “Absolutely, son. For example… If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ your mother would be alive today.”
A traveling circus came to town, and a man decided to go see it. There were animals, clowns, jugglers — lots of impressive acts. But the most impressive performer was a man who could crack walnuts with his penis.
Twenty-five years later, the same circus returned. Curious, the man went back to see if that performer was still around.
Sure enough, there he was. Same act, but this time he was smashing coconuts instead of walnuts.
After the show, the man went backstage and said, “I remember you from 25 years ago. Back then you were cracking walnuts with your penis. Why did you switch to coconuts?”
The performer sighed and replied, “I’m getting old… My eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”
A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having a tremendous dog, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after one show and asked why her dog never won.
“Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have a great dog, but it’s not winning because of the hair between its toes.”
Upset, the lady said, “But I trim it as close as possible! What can I do!?”
“Well,” the judge said, “go to the pharmacy and get some liquid hair remover and put it between your dog’s toes. You’ll be able to pull the hair right out and you’ll win best in show, I guarantee it!”
So the lady rushed to the pharmacy to find the liquid hair remover. She went up and down every aisle but couldn’t find it. The pharmacist saw her searching and asked if he could help.
“I’m looking for liquid hair remover, and I can’t find it,” she said.
The pharmacist said, “It’s on aisle ten. I’ll show you.”
He walked her over and picked up the bottle. As he handed it to her he said, “Now, after you use this, you can’t wear panty hose for a couple of days because the chemicals will bond the nylon to your skin.”
The lady said, “Oh, it’s not for my legs, it’s for my schnauzer.”
And the pharmacist said, “Well in that case, don’t ride a bicycle for at least a week.”
A guy walks into a bar with a black eye. They ask what happened. He says, “Well, I was in church and we all stood up to sing. There was a big woman in front of me and I couldn’t help but notice that her dress didn’t fall properly, as some of it was bunched up in her butt area. I tried to look away, but I just couldn’t, so I reached forward, gave the dress a little tug, and it improved. But she immediately turned around and punched me in the eye!”
The next week the guy comes in and his eye has mostly healed, but the other one is bruised. They ask what happened and he says,
“Well, I was on the subway, and the same lady, wearing the same dress, was standing in front of me…”
“You didn’t learn your lesson from the last time?” they ask.
He says, “No, check it out: the guy next to me was also looking at her butt, and sure enough, I saw him reach forward and tug on the dress, and it was no longer bunched into her butt…”
“But I knew she didn’t like that, so with my pointing finger, I quickly pushed it back in. I guess she didn’t like that either, because she punched me.”
Clarence goes downtown to buy an inexpensive, or rather, a cheap suit.
He goes into one store and every suit is $50 as is. The closest one to his size had the right leg 3 inches longer than the left one and the left jacket sleeve was three inches longer than the right.
The store owner commented, “You can’t expect much for $50. But here is what you do. As you walk around in the suit, hike up your right hip so the pant legs will look the same size. Do the same thing with your left shoulder and the sleeves will look OK.”
Clarence agrees and starts to walk to his car. As he does, he passes two ministers walking with one another.
After they pass, one of the ministers says to the other, “Wow, it must be difficult for him to walk around.”
“I know, but his suit fits perfectly.”
A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat in tow. They take a seat and the man orders a round of drinks. The barman serves the guy but doesn’t say anything — just watches the guy with his ostrich and cat intently.
A small argument breaks out between the man and the cat, with the cat flatly refusing to buy a round. So the man relents and goes to the bar, and the barman, his curiosity piqued, asks, “Hey mate, what’s with the ostrich and the cat?”
The guy replies, “Well, I was walking down the street and I came across a magic lamp, so I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and granted me one wish.”
The barman, fascinated, listens intently as the guy continues his story: “So with my one wish, I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”
A sailor on leave in the south Pacific finds that his whoring and carrying on has caught up with him and he’s come down with a horrible venereal disease of some kind. So, he consults the ship’s surgeon and is mortified when the doctor tells him that there’s nothing else for it — the organ must be amputated.
Desperate for an alternative, he tries consulting local doctors, nurses, medicine men — whoever he can find. Way out in the boonies, he consults a witch doctor on the problem and explains that he desperately wants to avoid the amputation.
The witch doctor looks at him with a frown and a sigh. “Those western doctors — all they know how to do is cut, cut, cut! There’s no need for that.”
“So, we don’t have to amputate!?”
“Not at all. Two… three more weeks and it’ll fall off on its own.”
Little sparrow was flying south, running away from winter. Unfortunately it was so cold, that the bird froze and fell onto a pasture. A cow was passing by and took a dump on the bird. Because the turd was warm, it thawed the sparrow and it started feeling better. He sat in the turd, and soon he felt so happy that it started chirping. But a cat was passing nearby, who heard the bird’s song, then pulled it out of the turd and ate it.
The moral:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend.
If you’re in deep shit, don’t tweet about it.
The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary.
He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:
“Look, I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.”
The dog went to one of the secretary’s desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the computer and the printer in total tranquility.
The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:
“That’s good, but I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.”
The dog quickly opened Excel, scanned rows and columns of data and then used pivot tables to create dashboards of charts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:
“Well, that’s really fantastic, but my secretary must be bilingual!”
The dog replied: “Meow.”
