Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Practicing Law Somewhere

    A tough lawyer is cross-examining a medical expert in court: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

    “No.”

    “Did you check for blood pressure?”

    “No.”

    “Did you check for breathing?”

    “No.”

    “So, then it is possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?”

    “No.”

    “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

    “Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.”

    “I see… But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?”

    “Yes, I suppose it’s possible that he was alive and practicing law somewhere.”

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  • Who’s Going to Believe Him

    A priest wakes up one Sunday morning to absolutely perfect golfing weather. After weeks of rain and wind, the sky is clear, the sun is shining, and there’s just the slightest breeze.

    But of course… it’s Sunday. He’s supposed to lead the service.

    On impulse, he decides to play hooky. He calls the other priest in the parish and says, “I’m not feeling well. Can you take the service today?”

    As soon as he hears the church bells ring, he sneaks out to the golf course. Nobody will see him — everyone is in church.

    Up in heaven, God and St. Peter are watching. St. Peter is outraged.

    “Lord, what are you going to do about this? He skipped church… to golf!”

    God just smiles.

    The priest steps up to the first tee, swings, and — hole in one. He’s stunned. At the second hole, he swings again — another hole in one. The ball barely touches the grass.

    St. Peter throws up his hands. “I saw that! The breeze changed right at the last second. That was YOU!”

    God still says nothing.

    At the next hole, the priest hits a terrible shot. The ball flies into the trees, hits a branch, rebounds, lands on the green, rolls in a perfect curve to the cup… circles it… rolls away… then slowly rolls BACK… and drops right in.

    St. Peter is beside himself. “Lord! He’s having the best golf game of his entire life! This is punishment?”

    God finally answers, “Tell me, Peter… who’s he going to tell? And if he does — who’s going to believe him?”

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  • Customer Complaints

    I was on a flight with my 3 kids.

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    When a lady asked, “Are all those your kids?”

    I replied, “No, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints!”

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  • I Thought I Finally Found a Friend

    A priest is walking in the park heading towards his church, when he suddenly hears a man shout, “Man, I sure do love minors!”

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    The priest turns around in shock and looks at the man who is talking on his phone. “Yeah! I mean you wouldn’t expect it, but they really know what they’re doing down there! They’re great at handling business!”

    The priest’s eyes widen in shock. He starts walking towards the man and is about to say something when the man goes, “Honestly dude, they deserve every penny of their salary! My company would go bankrupt if it wasn’t for those miners!”

    The priest stops, turns around and continues towards his church. At the church, the priest is visibly upset. One of the nuns finally asks him what the problem is, and the priest explains the whole story and how he misjudged the man.

    At the end, with tears in his eyes, the priest goes, “You know, I thought I finally had found a friend!”

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  • I Don’t Know How Much He Charges for Howard

    A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy about 9 opened the door.

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    “Is your dad or your mum home?” asked the farmer.

    “No, they went to town,” the boy replied.

    “How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

    “No, he went with mum and dad.”

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

    “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or I can give dad a message,” said the boy.

    “Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant.”

    The boy thought for a moment.

    “You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

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  • Superman You’re a Real Jerk When You’ve Been Drinking

    A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper and orders a cold beer.

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    As he’s sipping it, he suddenly watches the guy next to him stroll over to the window… and jump right out!

    “Good grief! Did you see that!? That man just jumped out the window!”

    The bartender doesn’t even blink.

    Shaken, the man takes another sip. A minute later, the same guy walks back in, sits down, orders another drink, finishes it, and jumps out the window again.

    The man shouts, “Are you kidding me!? He did it again!”

    Still, the bartender says nothing.

    The guy comes back into the bar and orders another drink.

    Finally, the man asks, “How on earth are you surviving those jumps?”

    The guy grins and says, “Oh, it’s this special drink. If you finish it fast enough, you can float.”

    Excited, the man orders the same “floatie” drink, chugs it, runs to the window, jumps out… and SPLAT — straight onto the sidewalk.

    The bartender sighs and says, “Superman… you’re a real jerk when you’ve been drinking.”

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  • Hand Over Your Wallet or I’ll Jump

    A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he’s being watched by a midget.

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    The midget drags a small stepladder over and climbs up to admire the man’s private parts close up.

    “Wow,” comments the midget, “those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”

    Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

    “I know this is a strange request,” says the little guy, “but would you mind if I touched them?”

    Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents.

    The midget gets a tight grip on the man’s balls and says loudly, “Okay, hand over your wallet or I’ll jump.”

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  • Do You Still Need a Push

    A young man knocks on a couple’s door late one evening. It’s cold, wet, and well past midnight.

    The husband answers the door, clearly annoyed at being disturbed so late.

    The young man asks, “Could you give me a push?”

    The husband replies, “It’s 3 a.m., it’s freezing outside, and you look perfectly healthy. Push yourself.”

    Then he slams the door in the young man’s face.

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into bed.

    “Who was that?” his wife asks.

    “Oh, some young guy who said he needed a push. He’s young and strong. He can do it himself.”

    His wife frowns. “Remember when our car broke down a few months ago? We would’ve been grateful for any help we could get. Go do a good deed and help the poor fellow.”

    Feeling guilty, the husband gets out of bed, throws on his dressing gown, and heads outside.

    He looks up and down the street but can’t see a broken-down car or anyone in sight.

    Finally, he calls out, “Hello? Do you still need a push? I’m happy to help! Where are you?”

    From the playground across the street, a voice calls back, “I’m over here on the swing!”

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  • Don’t Your Ears Ever Get Cold

    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

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    She says, “Well, put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

    After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

    Again she says, “Well, put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

    After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.”

    She looks at him and sighs, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

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  • Let’s Pretend We’re Married

    A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.

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    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy about sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

    At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

    “I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

    “Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

    “Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

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