Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • A Penny for Your Thoughts

    One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

    “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.

    “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • A Couple of Secs

    A little girl runs out to the back-yard where her father is working, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”

    So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc…. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams. He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

    He describes masturbation, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality, sex toys, etc., etc. The girl is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, “So what did you want to know about sex for?”

    “Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • What Do You Think

    A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, “Is your mother or father at home?”

    The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, “What do you think?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • What Fucking Trip

    Delta Airlines introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

    The results were mixed. On the positive side, 96% of the surveys were returned — by far the highest in the history of such surveys.

    On the negative side, virtually all of the returned surveys contained only one short sentence: “What fucking trip???”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • My Husbands Home

    Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”

    The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

    Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work… Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Cant Do That

    Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. As he is being looked over, the doctor asks about his stuttering. After considerable effort, he was able to tell the doctor that it started shortly after reaching puberty. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and underwear, at which point he sees the patient has an exceptionally large member. The doctor picks it up and asks the man if he feels any better. The patient clearly replies with no stutter that he feels great. The doctor tells him the weight is putting stress on his diaphragm, making it hard to move air in and out of his lungs, causing the stutter. The doctor says he can correct the problem but will have to replace his manhood with a smaller but still functional penis. The guy agrees to have it done because he is tired of the looks and insults he gets from strangers.

    A couple days later he storms into the doctor’s office and, with perfect diction, asks the doctor to give back his old penis or his girlfriend will leave him.

    The doctor replies, “I-I-I-I’m s-s-s-so sorry. I-I-I c-c-ca-can-can’t do that.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • It Fall Off by Itself

    A guy develops a really bad infection on his penis. Like, seriously bad. He goes to multiple doctors, even the expensive ones, and they all tell him the same thing: it has to be amputated or the infection could spread and kill him. Eventually, he gives up and accepts his fate. Surgery is scheduled.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Then his cousin hears about it and says, “Wait, before you do that, you should try this famous oriental doctor. People swear by him.” Out of desperation, the guy goes.

    He explains, “Doc, I’ve seen a lot of western doctors already. They all say it needs to be cut off before the infection spreads.”

    The doctor nods, tells him to take off his pants, and starts examining everything very carefully. Feeling, pressing, lifting… full inspection.

    After a while, the doctor smiles and says, “Good news!”

    The guy lights up. “Really? So you don’t need to cut it off?”

    The doctor waves his hand and says, “No, no. We are not like western doctors. They always cut, cut, cut… then charge, charge, charge!”

    The guy is relieved. “So I’m safe?”

    The doctor nods confidently. “Yes. No need to cut.”

    The guy almost cries from happiness. “Thank you, Doc! So what’s the treatment?”

    The doctor shrugs and says, “We wait two weeks.”

    The guy pauses. “And then?”

    The doctor smiles. “It fall off by itself.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • You Forgot Your Wheelchair

    A guy is having some drinks in a bar. He is having a good time so he keeps the beers coming. At some point he realizes it is getting late and the missus might get angry for him being drunk. So he wants to get off his bar stool to go home but falls flat on his face. He climbs back up, orders a coffee to sober up a little and waits 5 minutes before he tries to go home again. But, again he falls down. He must be pretty drunk. But he does not want to get in any more trouble so he crawls home. Silently undresses and slips into bed. The wife does not notice so he is happy he got away with this.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    However, the next morning his wife starts yelling at him and is extremely pissed. “You were drinking again and got very drunk!” He asks why she thinks that.

    “The bartender called — you forgot your wheelchair!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Rollerblades in Heaven

    Three guys die in a car crash and are standing at heaven’s gates to get in.

    The first guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “I’ve never cheated on my wife.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Mercedes-Benz. Take them, drive through the gate, and have everlasting happiness.”

    The second guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “Two, maybe three times.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Honda Civic. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”

    The third guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He says, “Oh God, I have no clue, I can’t remember.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Ford Pinto. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”

    Later on, the second and the third guy come across the first guy who never cheated on his wife. And he’s sitting on the hood of his car crying. They said, “What’s wrong? You have a beautiful car, you’re in heaven, and you have everlasting happiness. Why are you crying?”

    He replied, “I just saw my wife go by on a pair of rollerblades.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Train SEALs Not Dolphins

    An older gentleman had his car stopped at a red light when a young rich asshole hit him with his Impala. Though the impact barely made a dent in either car, when both drivers went out to assess the damage, the asshole went ballistic.

    “Look what you did to my Impala! It’s ruined! I’m gonna sue you! You owe me a new car.”

    The older gentleman looked genuinely remorseful. “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think I can afford to replace an Impala.”

    “Then I’m gonna beat your ass right here!” the asshole retorted.

    The older gentleman looked at the asshole. “I have a better idea. My son is visiting for the holidays, he’s in the passenger seat of my car. You two can fight it out, since I clearly would be no match for you in a physical fight. If you win, I’ll gladly pay for a new Impala, but if he wins, you knock off this nonsense.”

    “What does your son do for a living?” the asshole asked.

    “He trains dolphins.”

    The asshole laughed. “Trains dolphins? Easy fight. OK, call your son here.”

    The older gentleman called for his son. A minute later, a tall, extremely muscular young man in a Navy uniform steps out and proceeds to beat the asshole into pudding in ten seconds. The son then looks at his father and says:

    “Pop, I keep telling you, I train SEALs, not dolphins.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail