Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Size 36 Underwear

    Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

    He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

    The Doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

    He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… A new suit.”

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”

    Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

    Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years.”

    Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

    The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”

    Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

    The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

  • Cracks Started to Appear

    My wife denied she was a lesbian but it wasn’t long before cracks started to appear in our marriage.

  • Show Him Your Badge and Warrant

    A DEA officer had a tip that a farmer was growing weed and showed up to inform the farmer that he would be searching the farm for illegal marijuana plants.

    The farmer said: “I do not consent to a search without a warrant.”

    At which point the DEA pulled out his badge and a signed warrant and said: “THIS gives me the authoritah to search wherever I want.”

    So the farmer said: “Okay, but stay out of that field,” pointing to a fenced-in field.

    The DEA says: “Then that is where I will start.”

    The farmer just shrugged and went back to work.

    A few minutes later the DEA agent was screaming and the farmer came to see the DEA agent running and diving, trying to avoid being gored by the farmer’s large bull. The DEA agent was yelling for help. The farmer shouted: “SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE AND WARRANT!!!”

  • Lying

    Coming to the end of an initial assessment, the psychiatrist asks his new patient, “Okay, habits. Do you drink?”

    The patient says, “No.”

    “Smoke?”

    “No.”

    “Do drugs?”

    “No.”

    “Cheat on your wife?”

    “Never.”

    “Amazing,” says the shrink. “Any bad habits at all?”

    And the patient says, “Lying.”

  • When My Wife Comes Home From Work

    A bartender brings a guy a drink and says, “Hey buddy, you look a little down. What’s wrong?”
    The guy says, “Well, when my wife left, I felt a little sad in the beginning. Then I got a dog, bought a Harley, and asked out the pretty neighbor next door. Things were definitely looking better.”

    “Sounds pretty great,” says the bartender.

    And the guy says, “Yeah… but now I’m thinking about what’s gonna happen when my wife comes home from work.”