Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Daddy Longlegs Stomps Out Gay Spiders

    A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

    “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

    “They’re mating,” her father replied.

    “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

    “That’s a daddy longlegs,” her father answered.

    “So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

    “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

    The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

    “Well, we’re not having THAT sort of thing in OUR garden!”

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  • 500 Votes Per Boob Electoral College

    Well, another election in my household has passed and the results are in: The Sex-Every-Sunday Referendum was defeated soundly, 1000-1. I knew agreeing to the 500-vote-per-boob Electoral College would come back to haunt me.

  • Chocolate Wins: Eight Delicious Reasons Why

    Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex

    1. You can GET chocolate

    2. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate

    3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft

    4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving

    5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to

    6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother

    7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind

    8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names

    9. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate

    10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting coworkers

    11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped

    12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate

    13. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it

    14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant

    15. You can have chocolate any time of month

    16. Good chocolate is easy to find

    17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle

    18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate

    19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake

    20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter.

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  • Worst Timing Ever Beats Wife’s Infidelity

    Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

    Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, “Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?”

    “Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here. Shoot, they were just getting started, so I figure I got time for a couple more beers.”

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  • Birds and Bees: No Homework Allowed

    My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns

    A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”

    “Mom, I’m pregnant.”
    “How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
    “That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

    “Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

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  • Chain It to a Pipe in the Basement

    If you really love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, chain it to a pipe in the basement, because you don’t want to take a chance like that twice.

  • Grandma’s Shock at Modern Sex Education Curriculum

    Grandma, who was living with her daughter’s family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school. “What did you learn today?” she asked.

    “Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff,” he replied matter-of-factly.

    The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter.

    Her daughter replied, “Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it’s all part of the curriculum.”

    A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her grandson’s bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating.

    “Sonny,” she said, “when you’re finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat.”

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  • Count Chocula Puts Out a Tasty Cereal

    You know, for an evil, undead minion of Satan who feasts on the blood of the living, that Count Chocula sure puts out a mighty tasty cereal.

  • Painted Tunnel Bridge

    Painted Tunnel Bridge

    Police are still looking for the smart ass who painted a tunnel under this bridge…