Last year I was miserable and depressed but this year I turned that shit around so I’m depressed and miserable now
Tone: ironic
Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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How to Satisfy a Woman: Get a Dog
How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time:
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, floralize, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, shower, shave, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, never ignore, defend, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she’s puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.How to Satisfy a Man Every Time
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Stranded Beauty Finds Unexpected Farm Hospitality
A beautiful young lady was a traveling sales person and her car broke down way out in the country. She checked the car as best she could but couldn’t find what was wrong. It was starting to get dark so she decided she had better find shelter for the night.
She found a farm house a short distance up the road and knocked on the door. The farmer answered the door and asked her what she needed. She told the farmer that her car was broken down and she needed a place to stay for the night.
The farmer told her he only had two bedrooms, he and his wife used one and their 18 year old son used the other. The farmer thought about it a minute and said my son went to town and won’t be home until late and he has a big bed anyhow if you want you can sleep in his bed tonight. She thought to herself, wow, 18 year old dick tonight, and said to the farmer that would be fine.
After a nice supper they all went to bed. She took all of her clothes off and lay spread eagle on the bed waiting for the boy. About three in the morning the boy comes in, gets undressed and goes to bed. She waited a while, sure that he would be making advances, but nothing happened.
After a little while she thought, well maybe he’s shy, so she said could you switch sides of the bed with me, thinking he may get her on the way over.
He got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side. She lay there a little longer and decided to try it again.
Again, he got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side. She figured there is only one way to make this hick understand, so she rolled over right on top of him and said, “OK now do you know what I want?”
He said, “Yeah, you want the whole damn bed.”
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Where Did the Creator of The Jetsons Go
Whenever I’m stuck in traffic, I can’t help but wonder, “Where did the creator of ‘The Jetsons’ go, and why hasn’t he done something about this?”
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Dad’s Mechanical Secretary Problem
A young boy asked his mother, “Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?”
“Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied by his mother.
The young boy answered “The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”
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Widow Maker: The Ultimate Catch
Two guys, Frank and Bob, were out fishing on a quiet lake.
A funeral procession passed over a nearby bridge, and Bob took off his hat.
He stood in silence with his hat over his heart until the cars passed.
“That was a very moving gesture, Bob,” Frank said.
Bob replied, “It’s the least I could do; I was married to her for 30 years.”
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You Already Own Her Home
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, “I want her home before midnight.” The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied….
“But you already own her home!”
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John’s Terrible Choice at the Farmer’s Market
A truck driver named John was in court after a horrific accident where he drove his truck through a crowded farmer’s market, claiming fifty lives.
The courtroom was silent as the prosecutor approached the stand, looking John dead in the eye.
The prosecutor said, “John, we have the tire tracks. We have the witness testimony. You were driving down a straight road. To your left, there was a lone man fixing a flat tire. To your right, there was a crowded market with fifty people. You steered directly into the crowd. How do you explain yourself?”
Wiping his brow and looking distressed, John replied, “It was a nightmare, sir. I was coming down the hill when my brakes completely gave out. I was flying! I had a split second to make a choice.”
The prosecutor asked, “And you chose to hit fifty people instead of one man?”
John exclaimed, “No! Of course not! I’m not a monster. I aimed for that one guy!”
The prosecutor, now even more confused, shouted, “Then how did you end up plowing through the entire market and killing fifty people?”
John sighed heavily and answered, “Well, just as I was about to hit him… the jerk started running toward the crowd!”
