“Sir, did you make a 911 call concerning a domestic dispute?”
Tone: ironic
Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Drive-Thru Speaker
I told one of my HMO patients to go get a tonsillectomy, and now he’s mad because he thought I said “appendectomy” and got his appendix removed instead. I guess I should really look into getting my drive-thru speaker fixed.
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When Women Make Gay Men Question Everything
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She’s 5’10”, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, “It’s women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!”
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Fireman’s Home Alarm System Gets Misused
A fireman was talking to his wife and told her “We have this really good system down at the station. One bell means that we all grab our gear, two bells means that we all slide down the pole, and three bells means that we all board the fire engine and leave. So that’s what we’re going to do around here. When I say one bell, I want you to take off all of your clothes. When I say two bells, I want you to get in the bed. When I say three bells, we start screwing.”
Later on that night, the fireman said one bell, and his wife began to disrobe.
Then, he said two bells, and his wife jumped into the bed.
Then, he said three bells, and they began to screw.
After a couple of minutes, his wife said “four bells.”
The fireman said “What’s that mean?”
She said “The fire is not out and I need more hose!”
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Hypnotize a Cat
Cats aren’t so damn superior. Heck, you can easily hypnotize one by dangling a shiny object in front of its eyes and giving it tuna… giving it tuna… must give the cat some tuna….
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Smoking Cessation Plan Backfires Spectacularly
I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband’s smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love.
She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both seen on TV called “Cold Turkey.”
After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
“Well, not too bad,” she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine.
“I’ve gotten him down to about a pack a night now.”
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Deluxe Magic Hat
My wife thinks that TV is a big waste of time, but I just learned something that’s sure to change her mind: When buying a magic hat for the kid’s snowman, spring for the deluxe version that keeps the snowman from melting when the temperature goes above freezing.
