If I were a best-selling children’s author, I’d write a book about how these cool little kids and their cute woodland friends made Santa very happy by taking all the money out of Mommy’s wallet and mailing it to my PO Box.
Tone: ironic
Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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No Smoking Bad Sex
NO SMOKING
“I’ve got to give you credit. How you can squeeze that much bad sex into 2 minutes, is beyond me.”
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The Pizza Delivery Guy
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make three hundred dollars a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks’ pay — now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He’s the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
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You’re Not Sterile
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“All right, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
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Priest Scandals
I’m really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.
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Toxic Waste Pipeline Through a Recreational Area
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It had to be a mechanical engineer — look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it had to be an electrical engineer. The nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections.”
The third said, “Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?”
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I’ll Show You How
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”
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Meow
One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: “Help wanted. Must type seventy words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.” A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.
The office manager said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.”
The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunity employer.”
So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.”
The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
The manager said, “Here’s a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.”
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I can’t hire a dog for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”
The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”
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Engineering Interview
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.?
Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
Interviewer: Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this —“~~”—, OK. DC comes straight, like this ——————————, and the capacitor stops it. But AC goes UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!
Interviewer: What is a step-up transformer?
Student: A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.
Interviewer (smiling): And then what is a step-down transformer?
Student (hesitantly): Uh — a transformer that is put in the basement or in a pit?
Interviewer (pouncing): Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?
Interviewer (impatiently): Well?
Student (triumphantly): A stepless transformer, sir!
