A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’ Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Tone: irreverent
Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The New Rules
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”
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But I Like How Youre Thinking
Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.
So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”
The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”
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That Lion Got Himself Into This Mess
A hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.
One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.
In a state of worry, she awakens her husband, and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing, and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
“Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!”
“Oh, no,” the husband says, “That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!”
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Ill Do the Fucking Dishes
So, this guy (let’s call him Tom) goes and buys a secondhand motor bike, and the man who sells it to him mentions that the clutch can be a little tight but there’s a trick, “Whenever you see rain coming, just put a little Vaseline on the clutch cables and it’ll keep it working smoothly. Here’s the half a jar I have left.” And he hands him a jar of Vaseline that has obviously been put through the paces.
Tom buys the bike and goes for a drive on this… perfect day. He picks up a hitchhiking gorgeous woman at some point, and when he drops her off, she invites him to come to her house later for a family dinner at around 7pm.
At 7 on the dot, Tom shows up to the babe’s house, rings the bell, and the woman he gave a ride to earlier in the day answers the door looking even sexier than she did earlier (if that’s even possible.) Before letting him in, she mentions that this will be a quiet dinner because the rule is, that whoever talks first will have to do the dishes. He walks in quietly, the entrance leads to the living room. There’s dirty dishes everywhere: The coffee table, the shelf, on top of the fireplace, on top of the T.V (yeah, this happened back when there were tops of Televisions…). From the living room into the kitchen, and the counters had dirty dishes piled up to the ceiling. The only clean area was the dining table, and plates were set. The babe shows Tom to his seat, and everybody starts eating quietly…
His date starts caressing his leg from under the table, slowly making her way to, well you know. Things get very arousing, and well, he doesn’t want to clean the dishes but he’s losing it… Eventually, he can’t take it anymore, so he grabs her, throws her on the table, rips her pants off and that he has his way with her, right there on the kitchen table in front of God and everybody. No one says a word. They sit back down and everybody goes back to eating like nothing happened. Shortly thereafter, his date’s sister starts playing footsies with him under the table. Tom grabs the sister, throws her on the table, and has his way with her as well. The mother then starts unbuttoning her blouse, and eating in very suggesting ways, so Tom throws the mother on the table and has his way with her as well. No one says a word…
After that, Tom was rather spent, and he looks outside, you could barely see through the dirty dishes and out the window, but it looked like rain was coming. So he reaches out in his jacket pocket, and pulls out his jar of Vaseline (thinking of his clutch)…
The father springs up into action immediately and says, “Alright, alright, put that thing away, I’ll do the fucking dishes!”
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It Depends on Whos in the Will
Why do baby diapers have names like “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers,” while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”?
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!
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Wheres the Girl With the Rotten Tooth
A retired salesman named Pete gets stranded after his fishing boat capsizes in the Pacific.
After wandering for days, he stumbles onto a small island community whose longtime mayor has just passed away.
The town’s old preacher tells Pete that since he’s the first newcomer they’ve seen in years, he has to pass three challenges to be accepted as the new leader.
“Alright,” Pete says, brushing off his shirt, “just tell me what I’ve gotta do.”
The preacher walks him over to three little beach shacks and explains the rules.
“In the first shack, there are ten gallons of our homemade moonshine, and you have to drink every drop.”
“In the second shack, there’s a mean old gator with a rotten tooth, and you have to pull it out.”
“In the third shack, there’s the former mayor’s daughter, and you have to satisfy her completely.”
Pete nods and heads straight into the first shack.
Three hours later, he staggers out, swaying like a palm tree in a hurricane, and marches toward the second shack.
The preacher asks if he’d like to lie down for a spell, but Pete waves him off and disappears inside.
After a long stretch of growling, crashing, and splashing, Pete finally stumbles back out, scratched up, muddy, and bleeding.
He squints at the preacher and slurs, “Alright… now where’s the girl with the rotten tooth?”
