Sassy Little Jenny tilts her head and asks, “Mom, what’s that?” as she points at her silver vibrator.
Mom sighs and says, “It’s a toy for grown-ups.”
Jenny smirks and goes, “So why do you hide it every time Dad comes home?”
Tone: irreverent
Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Weekly Overload Recreational Killer
A highly dangerous virus called “Weekly Overload Recreational Killer” (WORK) is currently going around.
If you come into contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest “Biological Anxiety Relief” (BAR) center to take the antidotes known as “Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract” (WINE), “Radioactive UnWork Medicine” (RUM), “Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter” (BEER), or “Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen” (VODKA).
Stay alert and warn your friends.
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A Six-Foot Butthole
An elderly woman is speeding down the highway when she sees a policeman with a radar gun. The policeman signals her to pull over, then walks up to her and asks with a smile, “What’s your hurry?”
“I’m late for work.”
“Sure,” says the officer, “what do you do?”
“I’m a rectal distender.”
“What? A rectal distender? What exactly is that?”
“Well, you see, I start by inserting one finger, then the other, then work up to three fingers, four fingers, until my whole hand is in. I work from side to side until I have both hands in, and then I slowly expand the rectum until it is about six feet wide.”
“And what do you do with a six-foot butthole?”
“I give him a speed gun and put him on the side of the road.”
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To Get More Chalk
Mike told Sarah he had the strangest dream last night.
She asked what happened.
He said he died and was walking up this huge staircase to heaven.
She replied, “Okay… that’s already intense.”
He continued that at the bottom they handed him a piece of chalk.
Sarah asked, “Chalk? For what?”
Mike explained they said, “Mark a step for every sin you’ve committed.”
She said, “Wow… that’s terrifying.”
He replied, “Yeah… I only got a few steps up…”
She asked, “And then?”
Mike said, “Then I saw you… running down the stairs.”
Sarah exclaimed, “WHAT?! Why was I going down?!”
Mike answered, “…to get more chalk.”
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Hold Her Im Going Back for Yours
A husband sits in a cab and sees his wife entering Trump Tower with another man and tells the driver, “Do you want to earn a 1,000 bucks right away?”
The driver says, “Ok, what do I need to do?”
“My wife just went in there with another man, bring her to me by the hair, let me show you a picture of her.”
After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while she’s kicking and screaming. He opens the door and puts her in the cab.
The husband says to him, “This is not my wife.”
The driver replied, “I know, this one’s mine, hold her, now I’m going back for yours.”
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A Hundred Dollar Bill
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”
“Well,” Larry replied, “for one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in a while I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime.”
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It Was an Estimate
Bob the Builder walks up to a girl in a nightclub and says, “I have an 8 inch dick, and I can shag all night!”
After a few drinks, she takes Bob home with her.
The next morning, she says, “You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night! Instead, you have a 5 inch dick and lasted three minutes!”
Bob replies, “I’m a builder, love. It was an estimate.”
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It Hurts When They Boil Their Nipples
Why don’t blondes like to breastfeed their children?
Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.
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This Is Going to Be Loud
A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don’t want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don’t want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don’t want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!”
