Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Dumb Men Jokes Volume 2

    Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
    To knock the penises off the smart ones.

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    What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
    The man.

    Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
    When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

    Why are men like commercials?
    You can’t believe a word they say.

    Why are men like blenders?
    You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

    Why are women so bad at mathematics?
    Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

    What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
    Sex.

    What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
    When the power goes off.

    What do men and women have in common?
    They both distrust men.

    How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
    Guilt gifts are nicer.

    What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
    His wife is good at picking out clothes.

    How is a man like the weather?
    Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

    What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
    One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

    What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
    The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

    Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
    What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

    What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
    Slow.

    What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
    They’re married.

    Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
    Because they don’t have any.

    Why do men have a hole in their penis?
    So oxygen can get to their brains.

    What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
    Castrated.

    What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
    Bonds mature.

    What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
    E.T. phoned home.

    Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
    So men can remember them.

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  • Men’s English

    Men’s English

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    I’m hungry = I’m hungry

    I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

    I’m tired = I’m tired

    Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you

    May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you

    Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

    You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

    What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this

    What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

    What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

    I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

    I love you = Let’s have sex now

    I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we’d better have sex now!

    Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

    Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

    Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

    Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

    (while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

    I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

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  • I Think My Nails Are Dry Now

    A man walks into a public men’s room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, “Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?”

    The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man’s pants.

    Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

    Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants. “Oh, I can take care of that.” the first man says, blowing on his fingers. “I think my nails are dry now.”

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  • If Men Rewrote The Rules

    If Men Rewrote The Rules.

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    Rule # 1 – Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

    Rule # 2 – If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    Rule # 3 – If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

    Rule # 4 – It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

    Rule # 5 – Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

    Rule # 6 – Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

    Rule # 7 – You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

    Rule # 8 – Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    Rule # 9 – Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

    Rule # 10 – Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

    Rule # 11 – When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

    Rule # 12 – Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

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  • Guide to the Male Vocabulary

    Guide to the Male Vocabulary

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    1. “Haven’t I seen you before?” “Nice ass.”

    2. “I’m a Romantic.” “I’m poor.”

    3. “I need you” “My hand is oh so tired.”

    4. “I am different from all the other guys” “I am not circumcised.”

    5. “I want a commitment.” “I’m sick of masturbation.”

    6. “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about” “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

    7. “I really want to get to know you better.” “So I can tell my friends about it.”

    8. “It’s just orange juice, try it.” “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

    9. “She’s kinda cute.” “I want to shag her till my dick drops off.”

    10. “I don’t know if I like her” “She won’t let me shag her”

    11. “I miss you so much” “I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good.”

    12. “Was it good for you?” “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

    13. “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” “Is my penis really that small?”

    14. “I had a wonderful time last night.” “Who the hell are you?”

    15. “Do you love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

    16. “Do you ‘really’ love me?” “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

    17. “How much do you love me?” “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on his way to tell you about it now.”

    18. “I have something to tell you.” “Get tested.”

    19. “I’ll give you a call.” “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

    20. “I’ve been thinking a lot.” “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

    21. “I think we should just be friends.” “You’re ugly.”

    22. “I’ve learned a lot from you.” “Next!!!!”

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  • Quintiple My IQ

    There are three guys enjoying a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting them each one wish. Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it and says, “O.K., if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.”

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    The mermaid says, “Done!”

    Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I.Q.”

    And the mermaid replies, “Done!”

    The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping scientists in various fields. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintiple my I.Q.”

    The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change other people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you would reconsider.”

    The guy replies, “No, I want to increase my I.Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

    “Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t know what you’re asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe…won’t you ask for something else..a million dollars, anything?”

    But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power.

    So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done!”

    And with that, he became a woman!

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  • Dumb Men Jokes

    Dumb Men Jokes

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    1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
    What Men Know About Women.

    2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One. . . . . men will screw anything.

    3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.

    4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
    Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

    5. What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
    A half hour of begging.

    6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
    He’s breathing.

    7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
    Bonds mature.

    8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
    They are both empty from the neck up.

    9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
    Who cares?

    10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    No one knows . . . . . . It’s never been done.

    11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
    The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.

    12. What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework?
    Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

    13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
    E.T. called home.

    14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
    A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

    15. Do you know why there’s a hole in a man’s penis?
    So he can get air to his brain.

    16. How do you save a man from drowning?
    Take your foot off his head.

    17. How is a man like linoleum?
    If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

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  • Nice Pattern

    The blind date hadn’t been all that great and she was happy the night was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said, “Hey! You wanna see my underwear?”

    Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn’t wearing any.

    She glanced down and said, “Nice pattern. But does it also come in men’s sizes?”

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  • The Female Brain Cell

    Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.

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    “Hello?” she cried… but no answer.

    “Is there anyone here?”

    She cried a little louder, but still no answer….

    Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”

    Then she heard a voice from far, far away …

    “Hello – we’re all down here….”

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  • One Little Weenie

    A man and his wife were gardening in the back yard when the husband looks up to see his wife bending over to pick some flowers. He looks at her rear and then looks at the Webber Bar-B-Q, noticing that they are the same size.

    He says to his wife, “Your butt is as big as our Bar-B-Q!”

    She ignores him and goes back to her gardening. The husband can’t stand it so he goes to the garage and gets a tape measure and measures the Bar-B-Q and his wife’s rear and they are exactly the same size.

    That night in bed the husband starts to cuddle with his wife, but the wife says, “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

    The husband says, “I thought I was gonna get a little tonight.”

    His wife replies, “If you think that I’m going to fire up this Webber Bar-B-Q for one little weenie, you are crazy!”

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