Why doesn’t Jesus drink?
Because the last time he got hammered, it took him 3 days to recover.
Tone: irreverent
Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Cunning Runts
What’s the difference between a bunch of pygmies and the Stanford women’s track team?
The pygmies are cunning runts.
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A Crusty Bus Station
What’s the difference between a crab with breast implants and a transportation terminal?
One’s a crusty bus station.
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Cunning Stunts
What’s the difference between a magician’s wand and a policeman’s taser?
The magician’s wand is for cunning stunts.
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I Never Got This Far Before
One bright and cheery Saturday morning, a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.
The stranger says, “Hello. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some inspirational religious stories.”
After a quick thought, the homeowner says, “Well, come on in.” He takes the stranger to the living room. “Please have a seat and let me bring you a cup of coffee.”
Upon returning with a freshly brewed cup, he says to the stranger, “Now, what about these stories you have to enlighten me with?”
The Jehovah’s Witness says, “Fuck if I know. I never got this far before.”
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Im Just Chewing Some Gum
Terribly overweight, Don LaJoie went to the doctor and begged him to be put on a diet. The doctor suggested several, but Lajoie rejected them all, insisting that he had no willpower.
Considering the problem, the doctor said, “There is one thing we can try. It’s an experimental diet in which the jaw is wired shut and nourishment is provided through the rectum. Since the rectal walls can only absorb small amounts of food at a time, you will lose weight quickly.”
LaJoie agreed to try the diet. Three weeks later, he returned for his checkup and, much to the doctor’s delight, the formerly obese man was now quite slender. He also had a remarkable bounce to his step.
The physician removed the wire from LaJoie’s jaw and the man sat down. Much to the doctor’s surprise, his patient continued to bounce up and down on the seat.
“So how do you feel?” the doctor asked.
“Marvelous! Never better.”
“Then tell me, why are you bouncing up and down like that?”
“Oh,” says LaJoie, “I’m just chewing some gum.”
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You Can Unscrew a Lightbulb
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
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Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day
For a wedding gift, a guy decides to tattoo his wife’s name on his penis…
When erect, it proudly reads “Wendy” on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows “Wy”.
While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a “Wy” on his penis.
He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy replies in a Jamaican accent: “No man, why do you ask?”
The husband then explains that he noticed the Wy on his penis and shared that he also has Wy on his and then when erect it says “Wendy”. The stranger then said: “When I have a hard on it says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.’”
